Friday, May 19, 2017

Trump Impeachment Erotica

She woke up that morning not knowing if it was real--only hoping against hope that it was, wondering if it was a dream. A wistful, fading dream of a long-ago time when the so-called leader of the free world didn't demonstrably lie about the weather and misspell the word "tap" on Twitter with impunity.

As she rolled over in bed, she looked longingly at her phone charging on the beside table, and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Since she was in a time zone four hours behind many of her friends and family, it wasn't unusual to wake up to texts or messages, but this seemed like more than usual.

"OMG, have you heard?" said one. "TRUMP IS GETTING IMPEACHED!" said another. Suddenly she was wide awake. 

Every fiber of her being tingled with anticipation and the electric possibility of the shittiest president and most mediocre human being ever to trod the global stage going down in a humiliating hurricane of corruption, scandal, incompetence, and stupidity of his own making.

"It can't be real . . . " she whispered softly as she opened Twitter and scrolled down ever so gently with her right thumb to see the top trending topics. As her gaze fell to the list, she bit her lower lip and pumped her left fist in the air:

1.  #45Impeachement 
2.  #JaredKushnerArrested 
3.  #MikePenceBustedInFBISting 
4.  #JulianAssangeGetsJobatWendys 
5.  #RichardSpencersDickFellOff
6. #BillOReillyCaughtonTapeSexuallyHarrassingEveryone
7. #Election2016DoOver
8. #IvankaShoeFactoryFire
9. #MikeFlynnTurnsStateEvidence
10. #TrumpTookDumpOnHisDesk 
11. #ThePizzaDiet

Her relief for the country and searing schadenfreude over the downfall of The Worst Humans Ever were too gloriously overwhelming. She had to stop at trending topic 11 and couldn't even make it to 12, which turned out to be #ClimateChangeSolved.

OH MY GOD, she moaned, exactly like Meg Ryan in the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally, except for real. MMM. Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Right there. 

Yes. Yes. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!




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