Friday, May 26, 2017

Justice is Served, and it Tastes Like Sour Milk and E.T. Bait

What ever happened to the 95% of dudebros whom I sized up--correctly I might add--as hopeless douchenozzles on the very first day of law school? 

Well, at least some of them wound up on the other side of every case I've ever litigated. Others churn out cease and desist letters for banks all day long, trying to bully little old ladies whose homes are being foreclosed on out of 28 cents.  And the rest are suing Hershey's for under-filling candy boxes

In the legal profession, candy-based class action litigation is a calling.

That's right, my fellow citizens. It should cheer you immeasurably to know that, FAKE NEWS notwithstanding, the sweet, chewy center of American justice is tasty, fresh, and currently being munched upon by a Missouri man who claims that 41% of his sour-milk tasting, freeze-dried chocolate-flavored moth balls and 29% of his E.T. bait are full of room temperature air. 

As the Washington Post story notes, "you're not killing me fast enough with the amount of garbage food I paid for" is the frontier of plaintiffs' claims, and Hershey's is just one of many companies to at last be held to account for these affronts to our economy.

Let me be clear: Not for a NANOSECOND do I doubt that Subway, Wise Potato Chips, Mike & Ike, and Barilla pasta are fleecing drive-thru America with the Fritos equivalent of that scam in the movie Office Space. The one where quietly shaving a penny off every transaction adds up to millions of dollars in the pockets of the scammers. 

At the same time, I am also glad that a-lawyer-with-even-less-self-respect-than-me is willing to fall on the sword of holding Jared Fogel's former employer to account before Noble Lady Justice.

She may be blind, but her nose works just fine, and she can smell bullshit right through its plastic wrapping. So now, as part of a class action settlement, Subway workers are required to use "a tool for measuring bread" to ensure that their foot-long and six-inch subs measure up to their names.

Based on the quote below, the lead attorney on the Subway case seems to have a sense of humor about the fact that he's not exactly defending Darwin's theory of evolution in the Scopes monkey trial or prosecuting genocide the Hague. 

"It was difficult to prove monetary damages," he quipped, because "everybody ate the evidence." Note that he says nothing about equitable damages, such as the scarring emotional distress borne of discovering that you just gobbled down one less inch of sponge bread than you paid for.

Usually in settlement agreements, there is some sort of definitions section, and I can only hope that "a tool for measuring bread" is explicitly defined as "anything but a human dick." For I have worked in food service, and know all too well that boredom, monotony, and contempt for one's lot can breed a certain insidious creativity during any given McShift.

Best of luck to the named plaintiff in the Whoppers/Reese's Pieces litigation. This is sure to be a landmark consumer protection case, and I'm certain Ralph Nader is done changing the course of history by helping to hand the presidency to war criminals and back to consulting for a tidy fee on these important matters. 

O.H.M. will be watching this litigation closely as it winds its way through the courts, and will keep you apprised of any important developments.

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