Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Is This a Joke?! I Fucking Hope Not, Because I Desperately Need to Watch This Trial

My dudes. I am so fucking confused right now. I work in a courthouse, and came into the basement level back entrance this morning to find this:







































In case it's hard to tell from the pic, this is an upside down busted office chair with 20 identical, different sized cut-outs of Nicolas Cage's crazy-eyes face, along with six evidence marker cards. The whole thing is cordoned off by masking tape, and a sign above the wall says simply:

"EVIDENCE DO NOT TOUCH."

This can only be one of two things: (1) an epic trolling of everyone who works in the Dimond Courthouse Building in Juneau; or (2) literally the best lawsuit/case ever brought before Alaska's judiciary.

Personally, I'm rooting for the latter.

In "researching" this post, I went down a Nic Cage Internet meme rabbit hole so deep it almost touched the earth's core, and yet I was still unable to identify what, if any, specific Nic Cage movie this pic was from. Ultimately, I was forced to conclude it was an outtake from a photo shoot. I had hoped that linking this pic to a movie would somehow reveal a motive for the "crime(?)" in which this . . . um . . . thing is "evidence," and yet hours of web surfing and scrutinizing only left me with more questions.

Finally, I decided I may never know the truth, and since we live in the era of fake news and living one's own truth, I'm going to just make up the employment harassment case for which I can only hope this is an exhibit, along with a pretend part of the transcript on cross-examination of the named defendant in Smith v. Jones


Here's a fake news excerpt of exactly that:

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: Tell me, Mr. Jones. Why did you destroy Mr. Smith's office chair, turn it upside down, and put 20 little cut out pictures of Nicolas Cage's face all over it?

DEFENDANT JONES: Why did your paralegal only mark six of them with evidence ID cards?

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: I'll ask the questions here! 

COURT: Answer the question, Mr. Jones.

DEFENDANT JONES: [Sighing] Well, I'm a huge Face/Off fan, and Dave--sorry, Mr. Smith--and I got into a debate--well truthfully it was more of an argument--over whose turn it was to complete the quarterly spreadsheets, and then somehow that turned into a fight over whether Nic Cage was better in Raising Arizona or The Vampire's Kiss, and I said no, actually, he was better than both in On Frozen Ground--because that took place in Alaska of course--and before you knew it, his chair just got smashed . . .

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: And isn't it true that, in fact, Nic Cage's tour de force was actually Leaving Las Vegas?

DEFENDANT JONES' LAWYER: Objection your honor, calls for speculation.

COURT: Overruled, but you've been warned, counsel. Please limit this line of questioning to Mr. Cage's chemistry with Cher in Moonstruck. You may answer the question, Mr. Jones.

DEFENDANT JONES: Well, Leaving Las Vegas was good, but I actually think Bad Lieutenant was a sleeper and -- wait a minute, aren't we getting off topic here? I thought this was about the chair and the argument with Dave?

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: All I want is the truth, Mr. Jones.

DEFENDANT JONES: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: Your honor, please direct the witness to avoid any discussion of Jack Nicholson or Tom Cruise. This testimony was precluded in pretrial discovery, and in any event this case is about Nicolas Cage.

COURT: Mr. Jones, please refrain from quoting A Few Good Men in my courtroom.

PLAINTIFF SMITH'S LAWYER: Your honor, I'd like to move to admit Plaintiff's Exhibit A, this broken chair with a zillion pictures of Nic Cage on it.

COURT: Any objection?

DEFENDANT JONES' LAWYER: None, your honor.

COURT: Plaintiff's' Exhibit A, broken office chair with 20 pieces of Nic Cage's face cordoned off by masking tape is admitted into evidence.

1 comment:

  1. I believe it can only be a case of fatal humor.

    ReplyDelete