Sunday, April 30, 2017

This CBJ Adopt-a-Sailor Press Release is Low-Key BOWM CHICKA BOW WOWM.

I hesitated to dedicate an entire post to this topic, because at least this week, I lack the bandwidth for the online shade I will inevitably get for interpreting this press release in a salacious light. A tawdry light, I'm afraid, in which it was clearly not intended to be viewed.

But I meeeeean, COME ON. COME. ON. 

"Adopt-a-Sailor" sounds tooooootally bowm-chicka-bow wowm. This whole thing should have gone through the double entendre filter, because right now it reads like a setup for an episode of "Midnight Indiscretions" on Showtime or Cinemax. 

There are "no strict guidelines as to what is expected from the volunteer homes?"  It "can be as simple as taking the adopted sailor home for a home-cooked meal?"

Oooooorrrrrr . . . ?

There's at least a suggestion here of Netflix and Chill, is there not? And I suspect that after months at sea, the men (and women, and women!) of this stalwart vessel are interested in something less earnest than a tour of the glacier and awkwardly saying grace with strangers over chicken pot pie and a glass of milk.

If you want to "entertain one or more sailors" you should get in touch with CBJ and "provide a general description of the proposed activities you are considering."

Whaaaaaaaat?! One OR MORE?

This might be a "careful what you ask for" type thing. If I were young and single as opposed to old and married, the "general description of the proposed activities I would be considering" with a sailor would not be fit to print in an email to the CBJ, but suffice it to say there would be several Long Island Iced Teas in the mix.

But that's just me. A stone cold 'ho, I suppose.

Even the way they spelled "compliment" here implies the whole CBJ should skip the formalities of adoption and just give these 330 officers and crew a "home cooked meal" to remember.


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