Monday, April 3, 2017

The Struggle is Real: Trump's Hotness is the Problem

According to science, the real reason Donald Trump is successful is his "physical attractiveness." 

You read that right. 

When you skim the above-linked report, it's obvious that the word "attractive" as used in this study is just code for "white blonde man," which to be fair is not EVERYONE in the whole wide world's idea of "attractive."

And yet, this study's conclusion resonated with me. Has the real problem all along been how SMOKING HOT Donald Trump is? And then I realized that this WAS indeed the crux of my Trump obsession, and likely that of the 155 million other American women who Google image search pics of Trump on the reg and have to change their undies ten times a day as a result.

Our preoccupation with All Things Trump over the past year and a half has had nothing to do with the fact that he is the most odious, repellent orange swamp creature ever to emerge from the burbling cesspool of humanity. 

Nor is it the fact that he's a mendacious, self-obsessed, morally, ethicially, and financially bankrupt charlatan. One who is determined to tweet the globe into a nuclear holocaust and bend American democracy to the breaking point with the help of a sociopathic white supremacist alcoholic, all to serve his fathomless need for adulation, television ratings, and elusive "deals."

Nope. It's the fact that we all want to tap that ass. 

That big, juicy, Baby Boomer ass in khaki golf pants and a #MAGA hat. None--NOT ONE!--of our vaginas is shriveling up like a raisin in the Sahara at the thought of that little "O" shaped mouth leaning in for a sloppy kiss or those tiny, orange fingers grabbing our pussies without asking.

That's just FAKE VAGINA NEWS.

I mean, how could we resist this BEAST of a man? His very own wife can't seem to get enough of him! After all, she's only put 200 miles between her and his enormous manhood to the tune of a bazillion dollars a day in New York City's taxpayer dollars. 

That's right, folks: my oldster parents are subsidizing Melania Trump's need to sleep in a different zip code from this flaming hot ember who, until very recently, was just an open faucet of Coach bags and diamond tennis bracelets but has now become a serious liability to her mojo.

It's not actually that there are 7 billion people on earth, and that most women--myself included--would gladly choose to have sex with 6,999,999,999 of them in a heartbeat before they would voluntarily let Donald Trump come within 87 light years of their lady parts.

But hey. Who am I to question science? What do I look like, the President of the United States?
 






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