Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Most of America Just Really Fucking Confused RN

According to a new Gallup poll released today, 99.99% of Americans are just really fucking confused right now.

The study was the most comprehensive of its kind in decades, conducted across all races, genders, ethnicities, socio-economic classes, and regions of the country. While these constituencies' immediate and long-term concerns varied greatly among the sub-groups, they were unified by a single common factor:

Complete and utter confusion as to what the fuck is happening right now.

Asked about far-ranging issues both global and domestic, Americans claimed to be "totally fucking confused" about everything from the unemployment rate to job growth to climate change to ISIS to “Russia Gate.”

“Is the Russia thing like, a big deal? Or is it really like, a whole lot of nothing?” asked a lawyer from Ohio. Similarly, a plumber in Texas was very fucking confused about what everyone keeps calling Trump’s "wide-ranging conflicts of interest." 

“What I don’t get is why his kids are in the government?," the man remarked with a puzzled expression on his face.

“What’s going on with the filibuster thing again?," asked a teacher in Iowa. And a factory worker in Tennessee expressed serious fucking confusion over the President's ongoing use of Twitter to set policy. 


Meanwhile, several engineers and two supermarket cashiers in Oregon said they were confused about the state of the wall with Mexico, the travel ban, babies in Syria, and whether they would have health insurance next week or not.

Reached for comment, the rest of America claimed it was too busy. It was toggling between news websites and social media feeds trying to abet its confusion, only to become more fucking confused by the minute.


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