Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I Wrote Bill O'Reilly's Cover Letter to Join Mars One

Dear Mars One Board of Directors,

You may have heard of my recent and unfortunate departure from Fox News, due—shall we say—to “alleged indiscretions” with at least seven lying broads, each of whom merely wanted to shake me down for my many millions of dollars, as opposed to see me justly punished for my nauseating serial sexual harassment.

Since yesterday, many people have been asking (and rightfully so): Where will Bill O’Reilly go next? I think the answer is clear: Mars. 


Accordingly, I’m applying to join the Mars One expedition.

Even in dismissing me for supposedly helping myself to one too many broadcast babe titties, Fox acknowledged that I am “one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news,” and that “my success, by any measure, is indisputable.” 


My track record of proven "success" means that the next natural step for me is to be part of the first human settlement on Mars.

I’m confident that my success on cable television will translate to early colonization of the Red Planet, where jowly old white mansplainers—historically the universe's top experts in colonialism—are in high demand. 

The many advertisers whom I shed faster than a discarded rocket layer would be well advised to sponsor my journey to a distant, cold, harsh, presently uninhabitable planet where I’ll never be heard from again.

I’ve had a storied career here on earth, tackling pressing issues such as the pretend War on Christmas, provoking the murder of a Kansas abortion provider with my anti-choice dog whistles, engaging in dangerous climate change denial, bemoaning the demise of “the white establishment,” and distorting all manner of facts and statistics for ratings, brazenly lying to my millions of susceptible viewers until my show became the full-fledged state-sponsored propaganda machine you see before you today.

Finally, the fact that my daughter “allegedly” witnessed me choking her mother and dragging her down a flight of stairs--an allegation I have deemed "100% false" consistent with my similarly credible denials that just got me fired--should only serve to prove my point: 

I am the perfect candidate for a one-way trip into outer space.

Very Truly Yours,

Bill O'Reilly

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