Saturday, April 29, 2017

Fox News: Fabio is a Political Scientist Now

If you haven't thought about Fabio Lanzoni in awhile, you're not alone. I bet you didn't even remember the Italian "fashion model, actor, and spokesman's" last name, if you ever knew it in the first place. 

And who could blame you?

Fabio has been puh-rettty high-key washed up for some time now, with the crowning achievements of his career--a stint as the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" guy and cover beefcake for a slew of Harelquin bodice rippers--firmly in his Ducati's rear view mirror.

But don't dismiss Fabio as a cast member of Dancing with the Stars season 8,999 just yet. 

Fox News' Tucker Carlson, baby-faced pretender to Bill O'Reilly's woe-is-whitey throne, knows that Fabio is more than just a shill for the axel grease condiment industry or masturbation slideshow material for menopausal librarians.

No sirree, Bob!

Fucker Tarlson has the good sense to put Fabio's tanned rawhide leather wallet face right where it belongs. On his show, talking about California's "collapse" via liberalism.

Make no mistake: you won't catch me defending the insufferable limousine liberals of San Francisco or Hollywood. They can have their kale and kombucha colon cleanses for all I care. Same goes for their $50,000 a plate benefit dinners to raise money for platypus conservation research or whatever.

But putting Fabio on TV to talk about California's "collapse" due to "liberalism" is a bridge too far. 

I don't need to watch or listen to this interview to know two things for a fact: (1) "liberalism" is not leading to California's "collapse;" and (2) Fabio's main (and I dare say unique) area of expertise is "getting a face full of live goose while riding a roller coaster":

Now I'm not disputing that California is collapsing, but it's probably collapsing under the weight of assholes, smog, gratuitous lawn watering, and the "Big One" we all know is coming. Not liberalism per se. I mean, have you seen San Andreas starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Paul Giamatti as the panicking and prescient geologist?! Hello?!

Go home, Fox. You're drunk.

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