Saturday, March 18, 2017

The Ski Patrol Beard and Man Bun Game is Strong at Eaglecrest Ski Area

I'm just saying, you guys. It's a fact. I'm not the one who noticed, either. It was my ovaries. 

Now that I'm 39.5, it's like my body has suddenly realized it only has a couple years left to make babies, and so my ovaries are shooting out eggs and hormones in some sort of biological fireworks grand finale before the lights go out on the baby factory for good, and my uterus becomes just another rust belt town full of broken dreams.

That's kind of where I'm at right now. I know it's taboo to talk about it, which is exactly why I'm going to. Women aren't supposed to have libidos or check out a few dudebros on the sly. Especially if they're over 35. If they do, they're desperate sluts. If they don't, they're cold fish. 

Just one more double standard, I suppose!

But on that whole misogynistic continuum, I'd have to put myself further toward the desperate slut end of the spectrum, simply due to the involuntary manner in which my eyes are drawn to the extreeeeemeely strong beard and man bun game in the Eaglecrest ski patrol.

You can put a beard and a man bun on pretty much anyone, and all of a sudden your uterus be like, wasssssuuuup, mah bruthah?! Or at least mine is. Then add 6"2 of buff ski rescuer dudebro who can dig peeps out of an avalanche on command and hopefully teach you how to do the same, and it's like, yes, I will totes join gametes with you.

Again, I will emphasize: it's not me talking, it's human evolutionary biology. Truly the only thing I was good at when it came to human reproduction and child rearing was getting pregnant. I sucked at being pregnant and at almost everything about parenting since, so naturally my ovaries are always trying to do what they do best. 

See, deep down, those little fuckers know full well that the jig is up and it's game over. So what are they doing? They're throwing a Hail Mary pass all the way down the Eaglecrest french fry line toward late twenty and early thirty-something ski patroling dudebros, hoping that their sinewy arms and lustrous, healthy hair will put a new primate on the planet.

SORRREEEEEEEEE. Not today, motherfuckers! Not. To. Day.

2 comments:

  1. I believe I understand what you are talking about. But maybe you could include some pictures of those ski-patrolling dudebros, just to confirm that your response is typical.

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  2. this caused quite a stir amongst the dudebros on the hill. please see my facebook comment.

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