Sunday, March 19, 2017

The Fine Line Between Fashion and Medical Supply Has Definitively Been Reached

And here we are, with these Daisy Duke granny Depends denim diaper shorts and this gladiator Mary Jane sandal that looks like a leg brace in a museum of early nineteenth century medical curiosities.

I thought Nordstrom couldn't outdo itself with the clear knee mom jeans, a garment that serves no other apparent purpose than to facilitate blow jobs and humiliate their wearer. 

But here you have it.

These "Jepends" or "Jiapers" are an answer to Jeggings and go super well with this neuro-muscular-skeletal congenital disorder sandal that you wear ostensibly to right your bow-leggedness or to enter a Roman coliseum to do battle with a nurse dressed in a paper bustle under her petticoats and a tri-corner paper hat.

The zipper down the back of the Jepends/Jiapers are there to facilitate quick fecal release. You'd have thought someone would have designed a shit chute for short shorts before now, but now someone has, and is name is Levi.

Yes, the creator of the early-90's "button fly" has now developed the "butt-fly." So basically, if you're down to fuck AND suffer from fecal incontinence (DTF/IBS), these shorts are for you!

Add this cute little shirt to the mix and even if you're 30, you can pretend to be 12. And also 99. And living in an inpatient facility with metal cots and doctors who wear that weird mirror thing on their head and come to your bedside wearing a monocle and a watch fob

This ensemble is as if Forever 21, Gymboree, and Medicaid got together and created a fashion line. And to think, Nordstrom booted Ivanka Trump's line for this, most of which was even more hideous.

Go home, Nordstrom. You're drunk.

1 comment:

  1. Once upon a time, eons ago, I actually bought my wife a thing off Vick-Eez-See-Crit. For about thirty years thereafter, I got cats addressed to ME in the mail. Hence then, I WILL NEVERY-EVERY BUY ANYTHING FROM A CATALOG for her! Having said that, I have to say that those loafers with the stentorian guard buckle wraps look pretty bitchin'!

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