We've all known it for years, but now we finally have the data to prove it: The size of the dead fish featured in a man's online dating and social media profile uniformly correlates in a one to one ratio with the size of his penis.
An informal survey conducted by the Center for Marine Biology and Phallic Substitutes released the results of the survey today, which clearly show that be it a salmon, halibut, or marlin, the bigger the fish, the bigger the dick of the man who is holding it.
"We weren't really surprised by this result," said Tom Smith, the researcher who conducted the survey. "It's more or less common knowledge that if you're holding a giant dead fish in your hands on the Internet, you are very strong and masculine, and your penis is extremely large. Precisely as large (inch for inch) as the fish you are holding, in fact, regardless of whether you were the man who actually reeled it in."
Other surveys conducted by the same organization have found in recent years that pick-up trucks and motorcycles also have a marked direct correlation to penis size.
"If a man is straddling a Harley Davidson or standing near the bed of a shiny new pick-up truck, you can consider that proof positive that he's hung like a donkey," Mr. Smith stated.
"It's very important that the public--women especially--be given an accurate accounting of the size of a man's unit," elaborated Mr. Smith.
"The only effective way to accomplish that is for a man to stunt online with a hyper-masculine object that stands in for the phallus. This indicates in no uncertain terms that the broseph in question is a total badass with a first-rate package, and that moreover, any woman who hits him up will not walk right for a week after she makes the pleasure of his junk's acquaintance."