Saturday, March 25, 2017

I'm Not Here for Gwyneth Paltrow's Anal Sex Advice

I'm almost ready to start an entire separate tag/label on this blog about all the things Gwyneth Paltrow tells you to do with your body (and money) to stay on trend. 

For a full compendium of these directives, please see this most recent post all about how Gwyneth wants you to put an egg-shaped lump of jade in your "yoni" under the light of a full moon for some reason. 

Her other advice includes (but is not limited to) avoiding underwire bras because they cause breast cancer (they don't), and putting olive oil, kale, flax seeds, and a bunch of other stuff from Whole Foods you can't pronounce and that costs half your paycheck into a blender, drinking it, and then sitting on the toilet until next week.

Now Gwyneth--who I've noticed has not recently made a movie at all, much less one in which she dies of decapitation or a rare Chinese bird flu--has some new advice for what should go into your poop chute, as opposed to what should come out of it in a juice cleanse.

London's Daily Mail reports that per the "sex issue" of Gwyneth's newsletter, "Goop," taking it through the back door "is practically standard in the modern bedroom repertoire." 

To be fair, Gwyneth clarifies that  actually, not EVERYONE is doing it, and then reprints her interview with some dubious "expert" on the topic, right next to an ad for "Vanessa High Rise Jeans" for $325. (Hey listen, royalties from Contagion don't exactly cover the cost of your in-home wood-fire pizza oven).

So let's recap: Gwyneth published a lengthy post in "Goop" advising us all to give anal a whirl because it's maybe the bread and butter of 2017 sexy fun times.

M'kay.

At the risk of providing TMI, I'm going to extrapolate from my own experience and posit that anal is not, in fact, "practically standard in the modern bedroom repertoire." 

Quite the opposite: certain sexual adventures are like Derek Jeter or Michael Jordan. They have their moment in the big leagues, and then they retire into the Hall of Fame and you hang up their jersey forever. 

That's anal. Anal is now a color commentator on ESPN who owns a small chain of used Mercedes dealerships somewhere in the Midwest. At least it is for me, though I recognize that doing it in the no-no hole might be standard operating procedure for some women.  

But for most, I suspect, the next time her dude be like, soooo . . .  "Gwyneth or nah?"   

The answer is nah.





1 comment:

  1. You really must stop finding all this icky stuff because you are too good at making the icky ickier.

    ReplyDelete