But we also want to use up all our groceries for vanity and leave behind a shitload of hair for our partners, spouses, and roommates to complain about!
That’s why O.H.M. is bringing you these four, cruelty-free, eco-friendly hair treatments for you to waste your time and money on while you could be doing better things like making an omelet from the eggs you just cracked over your head:
1. Apple Cider Vinegar and Avocado Oil Hair Mask: Did you know the acid and proteins in apple cider vinegar and avocados closely mimic your hair’s own natural oils? Well they don’t, but who cares. Because now instead of making salad dressing, you can pour some on your head! Gently massage the salad dressing into your scalp, and leave behind at least fifteen long, witchy strands of hair that will stick to the side of the shower and find their way into your roommate’s mouth as she curses your name while frantically trying to pick another person's loose hair out of her teeth.
2. Lemon Juice and Olive Oil Scalp Scrub: Fight pesky, itchy scalp with a lemon juice and olive oil scalp scrub. Use Meyer Lemons and Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO) because only Meyer Lemons and EVOO are legit now for some reason. Sure, lemon juice and olive oil are basic cooking ingredients you might need for nutrition, but whatevs. You also need them to straight KILL IT with super sexy hair! And the next time you vacuum, see if the hair inside the bag is enough to make a pillow or a donation to Locks for Love.
3. Greek Yogurt Leave-In Conditioner: Greek yogurt is a supes popular breakfast item nowadays, but it also contains probiotic Omega-3 fatty acids and anti-free radical something or other that beauty experts and scienticians everywhere SWEAR by. Buy a tub of plain Greek yogurt, spoon it all over your hair, look in the mirror, and yell at yourself (out loud) to get your fucking life right. Then see if a hair or two ends up between every layer of the lasagna you’re making for dinner later.
4. Cage-Free Raw Egg Hair Treatment: Egg yolks are chock full of fats and proteins while the whites kill harmful bacteria. What relationship this specious pseudo-science has to cracking six eggs over your head I couldn’t tell you, but I can tell you that you need to crack six eggs over your head IMMEDES to look super hot, m’kay? This treatment is guaranteed to leave behind the shiniest hair of your life—a soapy, weasel-sized clump of which is now shoved deep into your bathroom plumbing, never to be retrieved until the tub stops draining, at which point it will be extracted with a metal barbeque skewer by your husband over the sound of his retching gags.