Not everyone gets two state holidays and a $1,000 check in oil revenue each year, but if you're an Alaskan, you get both!
Today is Seward's Day, in which we celebrate William H. Seward's 1867 purchase of Alaska from Russia, whom it didn't actually belong to in the first place and it doesn't belong to America either, but that's cool because colonialism.
Anyhoooo, lots of us are confused about how to best spend Seward's Day to honor Abraham Lincoln's/Andrew Johnson's Rex Tillerson.
Here are ten fresh ideas:
1. Go to your local shopping mall and sit on Seward's lap from 12:00-3:00 p.m. Ask him if you're on the naughty or nice list and whisper in his ear what territorial real estate deals you'd like to make in the coming year.
2. Check out Amazon for great Seward's Day deals on watch fobs and mutton chop wax.
3. Dress up as "Sexy William H. Seward" in fishnet stockings, a cat ear headband, and a starched collar.
4. Make a Seward Day signature cocktail featuring absinthe over hunks of glacial ice.
5. Cut down a Seward Day tree and decorate it with tiny plastic igloos, polar bears, and other realistic symbols of Alaska.
6. Selfie time: Daguerrotypes or it didn't happen!
7. Go to Little Diomede where the Russians can maybe see you. Pull your pants down, moon them, and yell,"HACK THIS!"
8. Check out Pinterest for great Seward's Day recipes, including Seward Nog and actor William H. Macy's no-bake William H. Seward gluten-free thumbprint cookies.
9. Go on a Seward's Day hunt where you scatter various treaties and bills all over your lawn. The first one to find the Alaska treaty wins a special basket from the Seward Bunny!
10. Four words: Cadbury Seward's Day Eggs.