Saturday, February 25, 2017

The Torso

Amsterdam is one of my favorite cities in the world. I've been there only three times for brief visits, but I love it.

There's something about the friction between sketchy modern grit and majestic old European urban architecture that creates a kind of umami flavor. The narrow row houses amid chaotic bike and foot traffic remind me of New York City below Houston Street, which makes sense because the Dutch settled New York. The undulating canals, concentric streets, and overpasses create a disorienting sense of repetitive foreverness--like being inside an infinity mirror that makes you feel lost without being afraid. 

The last time I was in Amsterdam, we were visiting friends from Juneau who had moved to Europe. Geoff and I were walking down a cobblestone street, our kids skipping up ahead, when we happened upon a shop window full of latex sex toys, one of which was a full-sized human torso with breasts and a penis.

Now, "chicks with dicks" is what I named our favorite weeknight go-to dinner (chicken with pasta, sausage, and broccoli), but it was also the name of a late-night porn show on Channel 35 Time-Warner Cable in NYC circa 1988, so I've always been rather fond of the concept, if not the actual anatomical arrangement (personally). So it wasn't the fact that there was a latex model of this that was troublesome to me. 

It was the fact that it was a disembodied torso.

I mean, I get why they made it that way. It's like, here's the least amount of material you need to recreate these two body parts and make this thing affordable. So why waste money on limbs and a head, when all you really need for business purposes, so to speak, is the torso? 

So I get the logic. What I think would be hard however, would be leaving Amsterdam with that as your only souvenir. Because it would have to be your only souvenir. It was a life-sized torso, like I said. So effectively you're flying back to wherever you came from with one-third of an extra person made of silicone, which I imagine sort of changes your packing strategy.

For example, you could very easily envision getting to the point where you're forced to carry-on the torso separately as its own item, and then what? 

You have to have a lot of guts to roll that down a conveyor belt through Dutch TSA at Schipol. I applaud anyone who can pull that off, for real, because I think carrying on a disembodied human sex torso with boobs and a dick for an entire international air terminal to see would be a bridge too far. Even for me, for whom almost NO bridge is too far. 

Here's the only possible solution: They've got to ship it, and they have to do it in brown paper packaging. That's all there is to it.

I think I'll put this tip on Trip Advisor: the next time you're in Amsterdam and are browsing around for a life-sized, disembodied silicone human torso with breasts and a penis, make sure you choose a store that will ship it directly to anywhere in the world.

1 comment:

  1. Huh. I thought I'd seen everything. Apparently not.

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