Monday, February 6, 2017

The 5 Best Foods to Put on the Discounted Trump Inaugural Plate

Vladimir Cheetos' inaugural plate (yes there is such a thing), has been discounted from $50 and is now available for a STEAL at $40. 

So of COURSE I'm buying one. 

But what to put on it? Here are five great ideas for what to eat off this signature one-of-a-kind collectible!

1. KFC: 'Member that one time POTUS staged and tweeted a pic of himself eating KFC with a fork and knife on his private jet? Now you can recreate this classic moment from the 2016 campaign at home. Don't forget the cloth napkins!

2. Impeachment cobbler: This patriotic twist on peach cobbler is sort of pie-meets-fortune cookie. It's the classic southern confection with little pieces of parchment paper baked in. Each slice contains a note with part of the Constitution written out in Sharpie on the parchment, and exactly how POTUS is violating it. Go on Pinterest for baking ideas! It's the next Pussy Hat!

3. The BEST taco bowl from Trump Tower Grill(e): Mexico might be full of rapists, drug dealers, and bad hombres just waiting to pay us to build the next Great Wall of China, but that doesn't mean there has to be a taco truck on every corner in America. As everyone knows, the Trump Tower Grill(e) has THE BEST TACO BOWLS and they taste AMAZING on this commemorative piece of Corningware!

4. Apple Pie ala Mode with a bald eagle feather and a little American flag sticking out of it: If you can find a bald eagle feather (and here in Juneau you can) there is NO dessert more patriotic than apple pie ala mode with a bald eagle feather and a miniature American flag sticking out of it. Garnish with a shell from a .22 gauge shotgun, serve it on this plate, sing the Star Spangled Banner as loud as you can, and then everyone will know who the REALEST MOTHERFUCKING PATRIOT in the ROOM is! 

5. Cheetos: While all those Hillary bitches are drinking Kombucha and eating spicy tuna rolls off a rectangular plate, you're munching Cheetos off this once-in-a-lifetime future antique treasure. Word has it if you snort the dust of POTUS's favorite skin product, you will get high off your own supply of narcissism and begin to hallucinate massacres and terrorist attacks that never even happened.

Bon Appetit, America!

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