I just want some "ME TIME," K guys? Like, there's never any ME TIME. Like, I just want a quiet moment to myself. One where I can go hide in my bedroom, crawl into a sleeping bag, eat a Fudgicle in bed, and leave the stick on my nightstand with no paper towel under it and no one to see me setting a bad example or tell me I'm disgusting.
I really need some ME TIME. Like, time to just chill with my Hitachi Magic Wand (for my back, for my BACK, you pervs), and scroll aimlessly through my newsfeed, alternating between a delicious schadenfreude over the Nordstrom feud and the Easy D thing, and a sinking horror that I'm an unwitting viewer of the scariest 3D reality TV show ever produced. Which I then garnish with a tour through failed relationships for no reason.
Like I don't think that's too much to ask, right?
Like to take a couple Tylenol PM or Benadryl, and play that game which a friend of mine has dubbed "the Ambien Olympics." The game where I eat junk food, surf the internet, color, and watch Netflix in rapid succession, until whatever that shit is they put in Tylenol PM or Benadryl sinks me into a 9 hour coma where I dream about missing the same math exam and losing the keys to my dorm room over and over again.
When people talk about "ME TIME" it's always some Gwyneth Paltrow-type shit. Like yoga retreats in the Berkshires or wine tasting or a facial or Soul Cycle. Dafuq is Soul Cycle anyway? Never mind, I just Googled it and it sounds like LITERALLY MY WORST NIGHTMARE.
Biking in a "dark, candlelit room" to "high energy" music with "rock-star" instructors in an attempt to have a "shared soul experience" and develop an "unshakeable bond" with a room full of sweat-drenched strangers as I "laugh, cry, and grow" with them "together as a community?"
No, nope, nein, nay, negatory.
Based on the above description, do you know when Soul Cycle will be my ME TIME? When my soul is cycling through the Pearly Gates of Heaven or at Meteor O'Clock, whichever comes first.
No, my ME TIME is much more modest in scope, not to mention cheaper. I basically want to stare into my phone while falling asleep with chocolate in my mouth, not brush my teeth until the next day, and not have anyone judge me for it.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!