Sunday, February 19, 2017

I Have the Verklig Falska Nyheter!

For those who don't speak the language, "verklig falska nyheter" is REAL FAKE NEWS in Swedish. And in case you missed it, our Sentient Cheeto Overlord shocked/horrified/terrified the globe (again, I know, snoozzzzze) this weekend with some VERY FAKE NEWS

Specifically, Lord Dampnut said there was some sort of terrorist "incident" in Sweden. According to FAKE NEWS source FAILING REUTERS, here's what the Rabid Orangutan blurted out of his taco bowl hole:
Trump, who in his first weeks in office has tried to tighten U.S. borders sharply for national security reasons, told a rally on Saturday that Sweden was having serious problems with immigrants. 
"You look at what's happening last night in Sweden," Trump said. "Sweden. Who would believe this? Sweden. They took in large numbers. They're having problems like they never thought possible." 
No incident occurred in Sweden and the country's baffled government asked the U.S. State Department to explain. 
"My statement as to what's happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden," Trump said in a tweet on Sunday.
Awesome. So, let's review.

The President of the United States is regularly skipping his intelligence briefings in favor of getting all of his VERY REAL INTELLIGENCE from FUCKING TELEVISION while he eats KFC with a fork and knife. 

Fuck it. Seriously. Fuck all of it.

Why bother having a presidential election at all? Let's just elect the next guy by raffle at a local bingo hall. That way, your racist next-door neighbor's uncle can govern by network TV from his La-Z-Boy recliner instead of wasting all your hard-earned tax dollars on fancy state dinners and lazy federal bureaucrats. 

No matter. O.H.M. has all the goods on the VERKLIG FALSKA NYHETER. Here's what Trump really meant when he told the world to "look at what's happening last night in Sweden."

1. The Swedish Chef finally came out of the closet, and walked straight into Trump's cabinet. There, the lovable Muppet will serve as director of LGBTQ outreach and culinary arts, alongside Omarosa as head of the Office of Civil Rights. In other news, the NASA aerospace program is being renamed "Pigs in Space."

2. At long last, the makers of Swedish Fish have abandoned all the other shitty colors and flavors of Swedish Fish and are making/selling only the red ones, whose mysterious fruity flavor is oddly addictive, and the only kind anyone likes anyway.

3. A secret ISIS terrorist cell was poised to initiate a child pornography ring at a pizza place in Stockholm, but stopped at a food cart for Swedish Meatballs followed by a lingonberry torte, and then fell into a food coma, so their plot was foiled.

4. The getaway car for the highly under-reported Bowling Green Massacre turned out to be a Volvo, and the only reason the perpetrators got caught last night in Gothenburg was because they tried to drive up a snowy hill and rolled backwards in rear-wheel drive, straight into the waiting clutches of Gothenburg P.D.

5. It turns out that IKEA is not really a shitty pre-fab furniture company after all. The whole chain is a secret conspiracy by NATO to distract and frustrate Americans by trying and failing to use Allen keys when every hole in that so-called couch is an eighth of an inch off, and even after you finally put it together, your ass hurts like hell after ten minutes of sitting on it. While America bangs its head against a wall trying to assemble the Blixtorpe, NATO is laughing all the way to world domination.

6. Trump tried to get ABBA to play at his last post-election campaign rally in Florida, but they refused because: (a) they fucking hate that burnt sienna bastard; and (b) they already had a conflicting gig playing some deportable immigrant's bar mitzvah in Palm Springs. 

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