Monday, February 20, 2017

California is Totally Jacking Our Alaskan Style With Its Secession Plan and I Call Bullshit on That!

California likes to think of itself as being on the cutting edge of socio-political and cultural movements. Well, I call a giant-pan-filled-to-the-brim-with-gold-rush-nuggets-of-straight-up-BULLSHIT on that! 

Today's Washington Post reports that a "fringe group" in California is trying to secede from the union because Trump being mean to immigrants, ignoring climate change, and some other shit I guess they don't like about 'Murica in the age of #MAGA.

According to the article, a group of about 15 people met next door to a sweaty ol' gym in (where else) San Francisco, to plot the revolution and try to figure out a way to chop Cali off the map before an earthquake and global warming do it for them anyway.

There are so many issues with this, I don't even know where to begin.

Let's arbitrarily start with the fact that Texas tried that shiz in 1869 and failed. In the aptly-named Texas v. White, SCOTUS said "GET STUFFED, LONE STAR BITCHEZ!" to unilateral secession, and it is categorically not allowed. 

In other words, this moronic plan has been unconstitutional AF for 150 years. And unless and until we stop caring what the courts say the constitution means (which let's face it is looking more likely than ever), it'll stay that way.

Back to Alaska, though. Alaska has tried to secede since basically the day after statehood and failed; again, because Texas, SCOTUS, and inchoate, disorganized wing-nuts in the woods plotting a coup. 

Cali thinks they're the first state to be too cool for the 50-state school?! 

THINK AGAIN, YA SURFING, ROLLER-BLADING MOTHERFUCKERS! STAY IN YOUR (HOV) LANE!!!!!!

We still have many, MANY a committed Alaskan determined to take the state's non-contiguous status to the next level by booting the Republic and becoming a sovereign nation-state. So AK, not CA, is on the frontier of wacky unconstitutional, theoretical acts of defiance. 

Whatever Cali tries to do, Alaska does it bigger and better.

Just look at that poser grizzly bear on their flag. There hasn't been a wild bear in California since before Barbara Streisand and Kris Kristofferson looked normal, and there was one here in my fucking garbage in Juneau just the other day!

To say nothing of the agriculture: I'd stack a giant blunt packed tight with Matanusksa Thunder Fuck up against Humboldt County Outdoor any day of the week. Not to mention, the midnight sun makes California's cucumbers look like our Sentient Cheeto Overlord's tiny below-the-belt package.

All this to say, the peeps plotting secession in Cali need to look North to the Future and face the fact that Alaska is better at fringe acts of faux civic defiance than those Kombucha-drinking, downward-dog vegan pussies will ever be.



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