Sunday, February 5, 2017

America Takes Break from Arguing About Fascism to Watch Grown Men Pummel Each Other for Millions of Dollars

America is taking a break today from arguing about whether President Trump is a neo-Nazi fascist who will destroy democracy, or rather a business-savvy orange harbinger of a MOVEMENT to #MAGA, by sitting down as one to watch grown men pummel each other for millions of dollars.

Super Bowl Sunday is the one day each year where all Americans can unite in harmony to enjoy their universally cherished pastime: sitting in a recliner or on a sectional couch and eating teriyaki chicken wings and Tostitos Scoops (TM) with jalapeƱo cheddar dip while watching grown men inflict traumatic brain injuries on one another for millions of dollars.

"It really is a magical sort of a day," said Tom Smith, the NFL's White House Liaison who has worked for every administration since the Super Bowl began. 

"Americans might disagree about the definition of fascism and what constitutes an actual fact versus an alternative fact, but one thing still unites us all: the testosterone-fueled impulse to watch adult men throw a ball back and forth, slam their bodies into each other, and do a silly dance when they succeed at getting the ball to the end of the field."

No one from the Trump administration has yet confirmed the rumor that the President will sign an executive order at half-time to make Lady Gaga's "Applause" his personal walk-on music for press conferences and public appearances.

It also remains unclear whether Trump's recent aggressions toward Mexico have impacted the price or supply of guacamole.

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