Saturday, January 7, 2017

Inside My Head in a Car During an East Coast Blizzard

You and your family live in ALASKA, for fuck's sake. Of COURSE you can drive 30 minutes and 26 miles from Stamford, Connecticut back to the Bronx . . .

10 minutes and 2 miles later . . . 

Oh My God. What were we thinking? Why did we do this?! I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS! We should never have done this. OF COURSE driving in snow in Alaska is easy! We have a car with four-wheel drive, a V8 engine, and snow tires on it! Also everyone there at least sort of knows how to drive in snow! At a minimum they know not to decelerate when driving UP a hill in snow and not every SINGLE car is driving with its hazards on . . .

5 minutes and 1 mile later . . .

I can't believe we're driving in a blizzard in my parents' fucking Honda Accord. I need Ativan. But wait, if I take it now I won't have any left for the plane flight back to Alaska on Monday, and that is simply not an option. Holy fuck. This car is so not ready for prime time, and neither are all the other cars exactly like it skidding all over the road. Holy shit, we're never going to get home . . . 

"GOOGLE MAPS BITCH SHUT THE FUCK UP REROUTING MY ASS YOU BITCH!!!!"

45 minutes and 2 miles later . . .

Wait a minute. Now our gas light is on?! Why is it that EVERY time we're on the east coast there's a fucking blizzard on 1/8 of a tank? God I hope Geoff knows what he's doing. He does though, right? He totally does. I think. Holy crap. I am totally that mother who makes a dumb decision and goes out in a blizzard, breaks down on some rural back road, and freezes to death before cutting strips off some other dead guy's ass to feed as beef jerky to her kids, and then dies anyway. I will forever be remembered as THAT person. If something happens to us and we become a documentary I will never forgive myself. FUCK! My legacy is going down in flames!

2 minutes and .01 miles later . . . 

"KIDS STOP FIGHTING AND DISTRACTING YOUR DAD! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!?!?!"

15 minutes and 4 miles later . . . 

And now I have to take an enormous shit. Grrrrrreeeat. Maybe I should pull a Van Wilder and open the door and just crap in the snow? No wait, here's a gas station and the guy is dangling the key at me. Wait . . . can he tell from my face that I need to take a shit? This is legit a shit your pants road conditions situation. I bet I'm the tenth customer in this bathroom in the past ten minutes. Whatever, I don't even care. Thank God. Gas and a shit. Two birds with one stone. Universe, I promise if we all make it home tonight in one piece I'll never do anything bad ever again. (Disclaimer: I'm purposely being vague about that promise in order to keep my options open, sorry, you understand I'm sure).


"PAIGE I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GOING TO VOMIT I WAITED HERE IN THIS HELL HOLE FOR YOU WHILE YOU PEED AND I CHANGED YOUR DIAPER 8,000 TIMES NOW SHUT THAT BATHROOM DOOR!"

2 hours and 17.9 miles later . . . 

Wow. Wowwowowowowowowow. I can't believe we made it home. I cannot believe I'm alive. Time to tell Geoff he did a great job driving and shove two pounds of spaghetti in my face. I know at some point I promised the Universe something, but I can't quite remember what it was . . .



Real 23 car pile-up on I-91from today's blizz

1 comment:

  1. As a seasoned driver in the Northeast, 33 of them in the Boston area, 10 of them with an SUV similarly equipped to yours, I learned that you NEVER drive in the first or second snowstorm of the season because the other drivers on the road need to acclimate.

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