Tuesday, January 10, 2017

If #GoldenShowerGate is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right

In what the New York Times is calling an "unsubstantiated report," a "competent and reliable" British intelligence operative has offered up some "compromising and salacious personal information about Mr. Trump," chief among which is that while on business in Moscow, Trump rented out
[T]he presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, where he knew President and Mrs. Obama (whom he hated) had stayed on one of their official trips to Russia, and defiling the bed where they had slept by employing a number of prostitutes to perform a 'golden showers' (urination) show in front of him.
The stunt would have been more impactful BEFORE the Obamas stayed in this suite, but Twitter is nonetheless pissing its proverbial pants with joy at the prospect of this slightly improbable "leak" being true as opposed to FAKE NEWS. As the title of this post suggests states, however, if this golden shower rumor is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

The jokes about "information leaks," "Wikileaks," "urinal lot of trouble with Vladimir Peetin," "PEEOTUS," and "Russian to the Potty" more or less write/have written themselves, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't squirt out a few more.

We should! 

For nothing is piss-your-pants funnier than kink-shaming Russia's Manchurian toddler, who is on the cusp of being installed as the first Czar of Kremlin West, f/k/a the White House. 

As the saying goes, not all that glitters is gold, but all that's gold glitters for Trump, including, apparently, urine.

My one beef with this unsubstantiated report peeport is that it's less clear than urine if the prostitutes just peed on each other while Trump watched, if Trump peed on them, or if Trump actually got peed on himself. Regardless, this would be the least objectionable and disqualifying aspect of a Trump presidency, for who among us has NOT hired hookers to perform a "golden showers (urination) show" for us at a five-star hotel?

Trump can pay for 100 hookers to pee on him all day every day for all I care, if it means it will distract him from bombing us all into a treasonous oblivion. 

Natch, it took all of nine minutes (i.e. less time than it takes the average two year old to use the potty) for Trump to exercise his trademark zero self-discipline and weigh in on pee-pee gate IN ALL CAPS. I am now breathlessly awaiting unassailable video of Russia's alleged "kompromat!"  LET THE TROLLING COMMENCE!!




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