Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I Have Some Questions for the Women (Plural) Who Gave Up 6-Figure Salaries to Run Goat Farms and Once I Get Answers I Shall Stick My Head in an Oven

Guess what you guys? There are women--PLURAL--presently walking the earth who "gave up 6-figure salaries to run goat farms!" I have a few questions for these women, and once I get answers to them, I shall go stick my head in an oven.

The first subject of this hard-hitting NOT FAKE NEWS report from Cosmopolitan is Julie Ann "Jake" Keiser, a former "self-described workaholic." According to the article, "Jake":

Partied every weekend, got Botox regularly, wore Gucci and Louis Vuitton, and traveled the world. But no matter where she was--Greece, St. Barts, Hawaii--she felt empty. So Keiser, 43, bought a farm in Oxford, Mississippi, where she now lives and makes her living. She no longer owns an alarm clock. “I wake up to either the sun or the animals yelling at me,” she says. “I envision a Disney farm where everyone wears pink bows and sparkles, and sings to me,” says Keiser. Daffodil Hill farm is still a work in progress, but its signature femininity is unabashed. She only keeps Sebastopol geese, which have voluminous curly feathers. Her chickens, named Prada, Dior, and Fendi, are the rare "lemon pyle" Brahma breed, so named for the subtle blonde hue of their feathers. Her Mini Alpine dairy goats are Valentino and ChloĆ© (Notice a pattern?) — ChloĆ©, the girl, wears a pink collar.

1. Before you decided you felt empty in St. Barts and Hawaii, did you try drinking a Lava Flow with a double-shot of rum and eating some spam masubi?

2. Same question about Greece, but with feta cheese and Ouzo.

3. When you envision the Disney Farm where everyone wears pink bows and sparkles and sings to you, is that usually before or after you reap the daily crop of psychedelic mushrooms from the cow dung piles near the chicken coop and make your morning Chai with them?

4. When the animals yell at you, are they yelling at you to change their names from fashion designers to like, maybe something more farmy like Charlotte or Templeton or something? Or are they yelling at you to make your farm less unabashedly feminine? Or none of the above? I am confused as to what they're yelling.

5. Do non-Sebastaopol geese ever try to get onto Daffodil Hill Farm, and if so, do you have a velvet rope and a pig dressed up like a bouncer to keep them out?

6. Do you notice any change in the taste of Valentino's raw milk when you put little mini Christian Louboutin horse/goat shoes on her hoofs? Or is that not a thing?

7. Do you own a cell phone? If you do it's actually not THAT amazing that you no longer own an alarm clock. After all, it's technically 2017, even in Oxford, Mississippi.

And then there's Leanne Lauricella, 43, who:
Quit her high-paying corporate job in New York to raise baby goats — and dress them in adorable Fair Isle sweaters — on a farm in Annandale, New Jersey. (She was inspired by her husband, who left his Wall Street career to pursue his dream of restoring and selling classic Corvettes.) “When you find and follow your passion, all of the silly things you thought were important, don't seem so important anymore.”

1. When the goats grow up, do you feed them the adorable Fair Isle sweaters they were previously wearing, or no?

2. When your husband found and followed his passion of restoring and selling classic Corvettes, did you tell him he was a huge douche, or was that just sort of obvious from his hobby?

3. Are two of the silly things you once thought were important maybe a Corvette or a Fair Isle sweater? Or are those things still super important?

4. WTF is a Fair Isle sweater, or if I have to ask does that mean I will never know?

Finally, we have Caitlin Cimini, 32, who:
Left her bustling party life on the New Jersey shore by herself almost five years ago when she bought her 200-year-old farmhouse. She originally just wanted more space for a rescue horse she'd felt compelled to take in, but she ended up rescuing more animals from certain death and now keeps goats, pigs, and chickens . . . And money is an issue. Keiser makes about a third of her former six-figure PR salary picking up graphic design clients from home, and selling milk and cheese at the local markets, and "can't remember the last time I shopped for something luxurious or even had a real facial."

1. Do you know Snooki or the Situation and if so, can you introduce me to them?

2. Is your 200 year-old farmhouse haunted by the ghosts of rescued farm animals who died simply because they found you insufferable?

3. Have you considered combining your milk/cheese sales with the lack of "a real facial" by making and selling goat-milk facials? It sounds like something Gwyneth Paltrow would promote on her blog and therefore could potentially close the wage gap of your former six-figure salary.

Once I receive satisfactory answers to these questions, I will go stick my head in an oven.

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