Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Good News! Juneau is Now Alt-Dry

A bit of good news for long-suffering Juneauites who bemoan the trials and tribulations of life in a so-called "rain forest." 

We have now entered a new era of alt-life, f.k.a., "reality," under our Sentient Cheeto Overlord. His Propaganda Barbie has coined a new term called "alternative facts" f.k.a. "lies," but this is actually a really good thing for us.

Let me explain.

The good news for those of us who live in Juneau is that Juneau is now and will forevermore be "alt-dry," as opposed to "wet AF!" On January 20, Alaska's capital city automatically became connected to the road system, and will receive an annual 63 inches of "alt-sun," f.k.a. "rain."

When you go outside and feel the pitter-patter of so-called "rain" and the lash of "wind" on your person, allow me to respectfully correct you and tell you that what you are really feeling and experiencing is alt-warm alt-sun and alt-perfectly-still air.

When you step in a giant puddle with your clogs on the way to work, rest assured that your socks are alt-dry and that the puddle you stepped in is actually an alt-mini-desert. The dirt that is sticking to the bottom of your pants is alt-clean, and the Xtra-Tuffs you will hopefully have the good sense to wear next time are alt-Christian Louboutin stiletto heels.

Speaking of deserts, the Tongass National Forest is being renamed by executive order. It's going to be called the Tongass National Alt-Desert (in order to increase federal funding). All of its trees are actually alt-dunes, its rocks are alt-pillows, and the salmon in its streams are alt-sushi!

Vladimir Cheetos literally tried to rewrite the weather on his inauguration day, and his administration is poised to do the same for us soaking wet, muddy, sodden residents of the country's most remote capital.

Hooray for alternative reality!

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