Friday, January 13, 2017

Behold! My Son is a Genius Because He is Moving Chess Pieces Around a Chess Board and I Must Document His Unparalleled Intellect on Social Media for All the World to See

Hark! All ye fellow Type-A-ish parents who have alighted upon this blog post and BEHOLD

Gaze now upon this photograph with a searing envy, for my son Isaac is a genius. Ask me how I know. Go ahead. I'm waiting . . . still waiting . . . thank you.

I know, because he is moving chess pieces around a chess board, and it is my duty as a First World Parent to document his unparalleled intellect on social media for all the world to see.

Many parents choose to withhold their children's names from humble/regular bragging because of internet sketch and so-called "anonymity" and "respect." Well, it's 2017 and privacy is dead, fools. Ever heard of Julian Assange? 

I didn't think so.

And anyway, you must be made to know that my son's name is Isaac, because Isaac is a genius's name. Just ask Isaac Asimov, the famous biochemist, historian, and novelist; or Isaac Newton, the inventor of calculus. Also ask Isaac Hayes, who in case you didn't know wrote the score for Shaft, a famous 1971 blaxploitation film that you probably haven't seen because you have shitty taste in movies and music and your favorite two jams are "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond and "Drift Away" ("give me the beat boys, and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll . . . ), and you think Old School is shit-your-pants hilarious when it is objectively not even remotely amusing.  

In any event, you can't actually ask these Isaacs anything because they're all dead, but presumably you get my point.

I firmly believe children grow into their names, which is why I named my first-born boy-child "Isaac" and not "Track." Why? Again, because I wish him to fulfill his destiny of becoming the next Garry Kasparov (minus the burden of being named Garry with one "r" much less two), as opposed to a block-headed jock with a sunglasses tan and an assault record bigger than his handgun collection.

But I digress. The most important thing here is that you, fellow parents who sustain their own egos by living vicariously through their children, appreciate that Genius Isaac is six years old and moving chess pieces around a chess board. Never mind that the only two things he appears to know about chess are that "white goes first" (because of course), and how most some a few of the pieces move.

That is beside the point. 

The point is, I knew instantly when I saw Isaac engaged in this activity that I'd been thrust--happily albeit unwittingly--into a "pics or it didn't happen" moment. I know some of you have your children in chess lessons and also chess competitions and are prone to posting scores of your children's chess-based successes on the internet.

Well, now I would like you and the rest of the world to know that stiff competition (in both chess and humble/regular bragging about chess) has arrived in the form of the rising-star chess genius that is my son Isaac moving chess pieces around a board.

On a final note, please admit that "Drift Away" and "Sweet Caroline" are now both stuck in your head.

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