Thursday, January 12, 2017

America Announces Divorce from Reality

WASHINGTON

In a cataclysmic split all but guaranteed to rock geopolitical forces around the globe, America, age 238, announced today a legal separation from Reality, with ultimate plans to divorce the 13.8 billion-year old concept.

Court documents filed in federal district court in Washington, D.C. and exclusively obtained by O.H.M. cite "irreconcilable differences" and "adultery" with an unnamed, minimally-endowed orange millionaire with the temperament of an irascible toddler and a "FUPA."*

Anonymous sources tell O.H.M. that sometime during the past two years, America became "fed up" with Reality's "relentless and abusive barrage of facts" in the form of climate science; evolution; the ethical, medical, and economic benefits of basic health care; Russia's cyber-hacking of America's election; assertions that the couple will never build a wall along the Mexican border; debunked rumors about piss fetishes and secret birth certificates; the fiction of "reverse racism" and "white genocide"; sporadic church attendance; and an overall resistance to wild conspiracy theories perpetuated by mendacious profiteers and mentally unstable talk radio hosts. 

For its part, Reality has countered by accusing America of ongoing and unspecified "assaults."

America and Reality issued a joint statement through their respective representatives, Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama and renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, requesting "privacy out of respect for our families during this painful and difficult time," and reiterating that the couple's number one priority remains their 318.9 million humans. 

America and Reality have not been seen together since the United States Supreme Court issued its decision on marriage equality in June 2015. As of November 2016, America has moved out of the couple's joint mansion in the nation's capital and into a small double-wide trailer in the Upside Down.

Both parties are seeking sole legal and physical custody of the couple's citizenry, with no visitation rights or spousal support.

*Fat Upper Pubic Area

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1 comment:

  1. Divorce is always a tragedy. Aside from all else, who gets the friends?

    ReplyDelete