Wednesday, January 18, 2017

A Feminist Takedown of The Worst Fucking Song Ever: Cat Stevens' "Wild World"

In honor of this Saturday's Women's March on Washington (which I will be attending against my better judgment), I give you a feminist takedown of the most epic mansplaining ballad of all time, Wild World by Cat Stevens

I'm not the first person to point out the laughable, condescending misogyny of this song, since there's no such thing as an original idea. But I've hated this song forever, heard it playing in a coffee shop recently, and was inspired to "upend the patriarchy" or whatever by piling on, so here goes:

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'


Okay, I'm with you so far, although you're being a little bit melodramatic here, wouldn't you say, Cat? Everything? Really? I can imagine maybe like, a few T-shirts and some Velvet Underground records. Perhaps a spare toothbrush. But "everything?" Still, your heart is broken, you're grieving. I get it. I feel bad I guess. But yeah, I "wanna start something new." I'm not just "saying" that. I really do have an idea or two about my own future. MD/PhD at Columbia and a giant bed all to myself, much?

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there


Alright. You're really starting to piss me off here. Yeah, I DO wanna leave, and yes, I WILL take good care, thank you very much. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be passive-aggressive. And I do in fact have "a lot of nice things to wear," not that it should matter to you or anyone else. Yes, my shoe collection rivals that of Imelda Marcos. And what of it?! Your implication that I should be reduced to a little black dress and perhaps an infinity scarf and cute set of silver bangles is deeply insulting. Things "turn bad out there?" Who knew? Seriously, I have no idea how I managed to make it this far in life without your guidance. Thanks for mansplaining the world's trials and tribulations to me, Person Who Has Played Life on Easiest Possible Difficulty Level.

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl


Now this is just downright creepy. If you're remembering me "like a child," then I suggest you seek therapy before you end up on an episode of that trap house show where they catch online pedophiles. I'm a grown-ass woman, and you're not my dentist. So don't tell me "it's hard to get by just upon a smile." First of all, I did Crest White Strips just this week and have received many compliments. Secondly, I'm also getting by on my wits, my education, my brains, and my tits. Don't leave out my tits, which rhymes with wits. There, I just wrote your next song for you. You're welcome. I'll leave you a P.O. Box where you can send me the royalty checks.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl


Sorry your heart is broken, but, um, you never wanna see me "A SAD GIRL?" Don't be "A BAD GIRL?" FUCK YOU! Who are you, Donald Trump? (I hear he's still looking for inauguration acts). Wait, please tell me--again a grown-ass woman---more about all you've seen of "what the world can do" from perched atop your stool, crooning corny melodies into a mic with your eyes closed and strumming your acoustic guitar. Your "sensitive ponytail man" act doesn't fool me for a minute, and never has. Go cruise for girls at a food co-op or something.

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware


Once again, I have somehow managed to navigate the planet lo these many years without your guidance and beneficence. I already have plenty of friends too, btw, but thanks for looking out for me. Remember that time we were walking in the sand together and there was only one set of footprints where before there had been two? Come closer and let me whisper in your ear: When you saw only one set of footprints, that was the time I carried you on my back to the First Aid station because you stepped on a piece of sea glass and were being a total pussy about it. So if anyone needs to worry about anyone here, it's you who should be worrying about yourself.

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware


I think you said that already. Peace out, ya bitch! P.S.: I faked every orgasm and I fucked your drummer.

Image result for cat stevens images

1 comment:

  1. I never liked the song mostly because I never liked any of his songs but I don't understand your tirade. Steven's feminist crimes pale in comparison to the average Country & Western singer/writer. Hell, is he even still alive?

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