Friday, December 23, 2016

When Vladimir Cheetos Nukes the Lower 48, Alaska is Where It's At!

According to the ever-reliable NATE SILVER at the FAILING NEW YORK TIMES, "here's what the electoral map would look like if only people who weren't burnt to a crisp in the nuclear holocaust voted."


Alaska represent! 

Only Alaska and Wyoming, somehow, are destined to survive Trump and Putin's global dick-swinging contest, in which everyone on earth will absorb the full brunt of their nuclear scrotal sacks. Everyone, that is, except for Alaskans and Wyomingians(?)

I don't know shit about Wyoming, except that it's windy, full of cowboys, home to Yellowstone NP, and has an overpriced ski area.

But I do know a thing or two about Alaska, and this is TOTALLY the place you want to ride out the nuclear holocaust or the zombie apocalypse for that matter. I hereby offer my home up to any nuclear refugees who must flee a mushroom cloud unleashed by Vladimir Cheetos.

Think about it: Alaska is full of people who know how to live off the land and abundant natural resources that haven't yet been completely fucked beyond all sustainable yield. 

Sure there'd only be six electoral votes, but who cares when the entire continent of North America and probably Europe is evaporated into atomic dust in an end-times doomsday scenario propelled by two or three of the biggest megalomaniacs alive? 

PSA to all my friends in the Lower 48: If Vladimir Cheetos starts World War III and every city from Maine to California is leveled into fine particulates, come on up out of the fallout shelter and make your way to one of the only two states predicted by NATE SILVER to retain its current form of matter.

This is gonna give new meaning to the "Last Frontier!" And bonus, don't forget: we can all see Russia from our houses!

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