Friday, December 30, 2016

This Tortoise Has Zero Game

I'm pretty much a connoisseur of nature docs; they're better than Ambien for putting me to sleep, or at least the BBC ones with British narrators are. The reason is the difference between a British and American nature doc narration:

British: "The male tortoise seems not to be coy, instead pursuing his quarry with the diligence befitting a spee-sees that has survived for millennia in one of the hahshest climates on planet earth."

U.S.: "This tortoise is the BIGGEST, BADDEST, WILDEST REPTILE IN TURKEY. He's gonna win this courtship ritual or die tryin'! That's why he comes in at #31, JUUUUST edging out the spotted chameleon, who moves down to #32 on our list of 72 HORNIEST REPTILES!

Whether narrated by a NASCAR cowboy or a biology professor at Cambridge, though, this Turkish tortoise has zero game. I watched it play out last night on an episode of "Wildest Middle East" on Netflix (Sans Chill).

First look at that O-face. It's a good thing dudebro is doing bae doggie/tortoise style. If she could see his face right now she would kick him out of this grass bed (in slow motion) and text her friends 100 different emojis making fun of him.

Second, l need to describe what went into getting her to this point, i.e., tortoise foreplay.

Dudebro came up behind her and began headbutting her shell like he was the 5-0 executing a no-knock warrant on her apartment, and then got on top of her to do the only thing tortoises do fast, apparently. Natch, it took him 10x longer to walk over to her than it did to close the deal. 

Finally, bae looks like she would rather be LITERALLY anywhere else right now, even in a bowl of soup. She is fully cringing like she can't believe this is the whole purpose of her life. To have a dudebro tortoise creep up behind her, ram her shell with his head, mount her for ten seconds, make a ridiculous O-face, and leave her to shit out a clutch of eggs.

No matter what accent you use to describe it, this tortoise has zero game.

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