It's not every day that you and your whole family get a free first class upgrade from Seattle to Newark, but if it's any day, it's likely to be Christmas Eve, which it was.
I was in my happy place at last. I had 10 mg of Ativan coursing through my bloodstream, two kids who can be trusted not to act like total assholes on a plane anymore, a free open bar for five hours, a giant window seat, a bowl of warm nuts (the edible kind), and a free "didgie-player" loaded with movies.
Granted, a full half of those movies starred Matt Damon as a stranded astronaut, and the other half were about hot paralyzed British men having unlikely love affairs with their plucky caregivers.
Only one thing could make this flight more perfect, and that would be some sick social media content that I would spontaneously film on my iPhone and then upload to Facebook where it would go viral and be reported on the Today Show.
Maybe one of the flight attendants would decide to make a grand exit from his career on the inflatable slide!
Maybe Ivanka Trump was in coach and someone would yell at her and her kids that her dad is ruining the country!
Maybe a passenger would overhear someone speaking Arabic and get "uncomfortable," and a scene would ensue followed by indignance, a boycott, and travel vouchers!
Perhaps there would be a medical emergency, and the only doctor on board would be a 27-year-old black woman and nobody would believe she was actually a doctor, and it would be a big scandal and somebody would almost die as a result of entrenched, institutionalized bigotry all captured on a smartphone!
Maybe a Hasidic Jewish man would stubbornly refuse to sit next to a woman for religious reasons and spark outrage from the rest of the cabin!
Maybe a redneck would start yelling at all the women on board for being "Hillary Bitches" and be banned from Alaska Airlines for life!
Maybe a drunk guy would catcall a flight attendant doing a safety demonstration or grope one of the female passengers, and the whole thing would be documented in real time for the authorities and the Internet to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law in the court of public opinion!
Maybe a screaming, inconsolable toddler accompanied by a single mother would be comforted by an old man of a different ethnicity from the screaming, inconsolable toddler, prompting a feel-good Christmas Eve miracle story!
That's the true meaning of Christmas, my friends: the many possibilities that exist for generating viral social media content on an airplane.