Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Thanks for Believing in Me! I Now Challenge You to Disprove 4 Highly Unproveable Opinions About a Bunch of Crazy-Ass Shit*

Oh hello! 

I don't know who you are/your/you're, but I'm guessing you don't know the difference between your and you're. You might even have called something fowl language when you meant to say foul language, and it's also possible you said undo when you meant undue. Regardless, or irregardless (?), thanks in advance for reading and believing every word I write/right/rite/wright here. 

Now to the matter at hand: I have some opinions that I would like you to disprove, because we don't know for a fact that my opinions are not facts, do we? No. We do not. And in turn we have no idea whether those facts are not true. 

So.

Now it will be your job to prove they are not true, whaddya say? This is a fun game that defies all logic, reason, and critical thinking, not to mention spelling and grammar. But welp, that's where we are these days, so let's get started, shall we?

1. There is a compound of Islamic terrorist bacteria living and thriving in feminists' vaginas: If it's one thing you can't trust, it's a feminist, especially the part of a feminist that's made out of vagina. And if it's another thing you can't trust, it's a Muslim. If it's a third thing you can't trust, it's bacteria. So what happens when they all join forces? THE END OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION, MY FRIENDS, THAT'S WHAT. Covert Russian biologists embedded at the CDC have been sworn to secrecy on this, but I have the goods, which have been Wiki-leaked onto a Maxipad by Julian Assange. There is a well-known, intravaginal compound of Islamic terrorist bacteria growing and thriving in feminists' vaginas all over the country and it won't be long before they evolve to impose Sharia law, make your grandma wear a Hijab to her weekly cribbage game with the girls, and spread computer viruses to every website and email address that has the words "freedom" or "eagle" in it. MARK MY WORDS: YOU HEARD IT HERE/HERD IT HEAR FIRST.

2. Leftist social justice warriors (SJWs) have colluded with Beyonce, Jay-Z, and the military to create hurricanes and droughts in order to enrich Jewish climate scientists and award them lucrative government contracts: You should ask yourself who stands to profit from the global warming hoax. The Styrofoam snow industry surely has a lot to gain, but that's just the tip of the iceberg (no pun intended). Who is REALLY winning here? FOLLOW THE MONEY. If you do, you will see that the trail of gold doubloons ends, of COURSE, with THE JEWS. The Jews are being underwritten by Beyonce and Jay-Z, who are funneling massive quantities of liquid assets earned on designer jeans and basketball straight to government contractors who generate droughts and hurricanes using top-secret military equipment in order to garner a profit for the climate change industry, again populated almost exclusively by Jewish scientists. HELLO?! ALBERT EINSTEIN!? Who invented the Atom Bomb? And JONAS SALK?! Mad scientist-creator of the dreaded Polio vaccine that gave everyone autism?! There is precedent for this, people. There. Is. Precedent. CAN YOU SAY THERE'S NOT? NO? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

3. The energy from stupidity-based rage is being harnessed by aliens to create an alternative fuel source: Ever since the election, it's common to see people look at their phones and scream at the sheer stupidity of everything. But that's a red herring, because the government does not want you to know that while you're taking selfies with your cat and sharing articles from Medium and Vox in your libtarded, elitist echo chamber, CIA operatives are watching your every move through your cell phone camera as they conspire against you in cahoots with aliens at Area 51. So by all means, keep sharing articles and hitting that like button! And what are they doing, EXACTLY? I'll tell you what. They are harnessing the energy from your stupidity-based rage into an alternative fuel that will propel a fleet of rocket ships to Mars for only the most elite Wall Street bankers to escape when the planet finally succumbs to nuclear warfare launched by the same inside-jobbers responsible for Sandy Hook and 9/11. SHOW ME A SINGLE FACT TO DISPROVE THIS.

4. Pizza outside of New York City and Chicago really is as terrible as everyone says: Here's what they don't want you to know about "pizzagate." The guy who was arrested for bringing an AR-15 into a Washington D.C. pizzeria wasn't actually trying to bust up the Clinton-based pedophilia ring that was so obviously afoot in the basement between the sacks of flour and the extra bags of shredded 1% low fat mozzarella. He was trying to take a stance against shitty pizza, the very worst of which can be found in Benghazi and most of the Western United States, especially Idaho. GO AHEAD. PROVE ME WRONG. ANY CRITICAL THINKING READER WILL FAIL TO DO SO.

God Bless America!

*DISCLAIMER: This entire post is satirical. Our collective stupidity, gullibility, and utter void of critical thinking skills have reached the level of fucking DERP-saturation where I have to say that explicitly, I guess.

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3 comments:

  1. OHM. two observations: 1) A true great talent for producing fake news is going to waste in another profession 2) How do we know the disclaimer isn't fake.

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    Replies
    1. What the hell are you actually trying to say?

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    2. That's just the thing about irony; it takes a bit of elbow grease to scrape off the veneer to see the what might be a grain of truth or maybe just a useless laminate.

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