Thursday, December 22, 2016

I'm Sure There's a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for This

Truly you guys. I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why the Trump transition team asked the State Department for information about women's issues and programs. 

Specifically--and according to NOTORIOUS FAKE NEWS! purveyor the Washington Post--Trump's peeps were fishing for info on all existing programs and activities that “promote gender equality, such as ending gender-based violence, promoting women’s participation in economic and political spheres, entrepreneurship, etc.”

Now a cynic might infer malicious intent into this request, because a cynic might think about Trump's tendency to "grab women by the pussy" without "even waiting," "move on them like a bitch," feel up his own daughter in public, point out that you can't be a ten if you're flat-chested, tell Howard Stern that he doesn't respect women, call women who criticize him fat, pigs, nasty, dogs, and slobs, and so on and so forth.

But personally, I'm willing to give Vladimir Cheetos the benefit of the doubt. Here are 10 perfectly reasonable explanations for why Trump wants info from the State Department on gender equity programs and issues:

1. He's developing a nuclear arsenal stocked with silicone titties.

2. He wants every little girl in the world to have the chance to be Miss Universe someday.

3. He's starting an international Rockettes training program in Moscow.

4. He loves pussy (who doesn't)?

5. He wants to give everyone who worked on gender issues a promotion, right before he screams "YOU'RE FIRED!" Apprentice-style.

6. He's trying to drain the swamp of anyone with a menstrual cycle, because "blood coming out of your whatever" is totally bottom-of-the-swamp type shit.

7. He wants to make gender-based violence great again.

8. Ivanka wants every woman in the State Department to personally promote her line of jewelry.

9. He needs to know how many tiaras to order for the inaugural ball.

10. He's planning to screen test each of these women to see which of them is telegenic enough remain on the D.C. cast of his next NBC reality TV show (working title: West Wing II: The Next Four Years).

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