Friday, December 2, 2016

I Swear I Will Have Another Baby Just to Store Its Umbilical Cord and Teeth in This Box

Seriously, it will totes be worth 9 months of barfing and sleeping on one side only to push a watermelon out of my vajayjay, stay awake with it 24/7 on my tits for 18 months, and then spend $3,000,000 over the course of the next 18 years making sure it has swimming lessons and college textbooks if it means I can put its umbilical cord and baby teeth in this adorable (read: insanely creepy and horrifying) wooden keepsake box!

There is also a hole for something that starts with the letters "Lanu," but the hand model with the tweezers and the molar is covering it up, and I literally just spent 20 minutes Googling trying to deduce what this is supposed to contain (any ideas doula/dentist/midwife types?)

I really wish I had known about this thing when Paige was little. If I had, I would have put each of her baby teeth into this box, including, presumably, the ones she does not lose until sixth grade? Come to think of it, Isaac hasn't lost any of his teeth yet so it's not too late (CHRISTMAS GIFT HINT HINT).

The umbilical cord thing is kind of a bummer though. I think maybe I banked Paige's cord blood because my mom made me, and then when Isaac came along we forgot all about that. I guess that means if I had a third kid it would just be raised by wolves. One great thing it would receive, though, would be a more religious archiving of its teeth and discarded tissues.

Instead of that little blackish green umbilical cord stub going down the garbage disposal or into the compost, it would be placed gently in this box and taken out at parties along with the left three molars and right incisor.

Now THIS is the gift for the mom who has everything and could use just one more really disgusting thing!

UPDATE: An attentive reader informed me that the mystery hole is for "lanugo," the FINE FUCKING HAIR COVERING YOUR NEWBORN BABY. They want us to collect that! Where is the hole for the cradle cap flakes?!


  1. You are good at finding the creepy but this takes the cake. I can only imagine trying to write a thank you after receiving such at a shower. GAK!

  2. Surely the mystery hole must be for the foreskin. But what is the word for foreskin that starts with an L?

  3. As our German exchange student used to say:
    Wow. Just wow.


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