Monday, December 26, 2016

Emotional Abuse of the GPS

It's a good thing Siri, Google Maps, Wayze, and other GPS map and directions aps are disembodied, computerized voices with no feelings. Because no one, and I mean NO ONE--endures more emotional and verbal abuse than THAT FUCKING GOOGLE MAPS BITCH.

There's truly no better example of the phenomenon of using another person/robot to your own selfish ends than what happens in a car with Google Maps. There is zero reciprocity in this relationship. It's like the second--the very INSTANT you're done with her (or him, but of course it's almost always a her), You. Are. DONE.

She says in her polite, clear, kind and helpful voice, "in 50 feet, your destination will be on the ri--"

"SHUT UP, BITCH! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE HERE ALREADY?!" you scream as you circle the block for a place to park. "SHUT THAT ASSHOLE OFF!!!!" Meanwhile, ten seconds ago you were literally depending on her for your every move.

At least Google Maps has the good sense to reroute you without telling you about it. Remember your ex, Garmin? She/he REALLY took some shit. Especially in the Metro D.C. area or, God forbid, Boston. Boston was originally built for horse and buggy times, and it shows. And surely it's not Google's fault, but this doesn't stop you from screaming at THAT FUCKING SHITHEAD GPS.

"In 500 feet, exit left at Tobin Bridge," then you do it and she says calmly and pseudo-helpfully, "Recalculating..."

"WHAT THE FUCK, ASSHOLE?! I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID AND YOU JUST FUCKED ME ON STORROW DRIVE AGAIN?! FUCK YOU!!!"

And all without any acknowledgement that ten years ago, you'd be unfolding a piece of paper the size of a table on your lap while trying to find five quarters to throw into a plastic basket, and in the end you'd still be driving around in circles.

Talk about a one-way relationship.

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