Monday, December 19, 2016

All I Want for Christmas is for My Kids to Flush the Fucking Toilet. Is That Too Much to Ask?

Dear Santa,

Really. Is it? 

By the way, this isn't my bathroom. It's a stock photo of someone else's much cleaner, much nicer looking bathroom. If this were my bathroom--the one the kids use, anyway--the toilet would have a thin film of sticky piss residue around the rim, and there would be half a square of toilet paper clinging to the cardboard roll. Also, there would be toothpaste where it doesn't belong--namely on the the sink.

Earlier this week, I overheard an obese old man who smelled vaguely of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup smugly tell one of his friends that he'd just told a group of Trump protesters "Merry Christmas." HAHAHAHA!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! POW! KABLAM! That'll show 'em! Score one for the Good Christian Soldiers in the "War on Christmas!"

Well, I say "Merry Christmas" all the time, and people say it to me all the time, and I don't give a shit; even though I'm Jewish, I don't celebrate Christmas, and Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer who has a Satanic look in his creepy sociopathic ice-blue eyes wants to murder me in my sleep, or, as he calls it, "action."

All that aside, I would like one thing for Christmas, and that's for my two children, ages 6 and 9, to reliably flush the fucking toilet. Just once I would like to go into the bathroom and look down into the toilet bowl and not find piss, shit, and toilet paper floating on top.

Each of these kids has been shitting and pissing in a toilet for 4 and 7 years, respectively, and I really don't think it's that much to ask for them to flush the fucking toilet at least 9 out of 10 times they use the bathroom. 

It's a privilege even to have indoor plumbing in this world, and I just want them to honor that fact by having enough respect for the rest of polite society to flush the toilet routinely. 

Really. This does not sound like a tall order. Is it?

Thanks Santa.



P.S. I believe in you!

P.P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. I hope that's not your loo because it looks like it's never been crapped in. Want to educate the kids? pour some red dye #40 after they eliminate and then concoct some bullshit biological reason like, "Your feces are creating a bloom of___that will crawl out of the toilet and____in the middle of the night and____you!" Guaranteed endo. Actually, any color will work but red has a more chilling effect.

  2. I was scolded many a time for pissing on the rim when I was a kid. Only after got my first apartment did I understand the concept of wiping the mess up. It is likely it will be ten years from now until you can unwrap that gift from Santa. I feel your pain.


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