Thursday, December 1, 2016

10 Gift Ideas for the Girl Who Has Everything and Yet Still Needs to Make up a Story About Almost Dying in Africa, for Some Reason

Have you heard of Louise Linton? No? Well I'm here to tell you that she should be on your Christmas list. 

Louise Linton, 35, is a very rich, $26.5M Beverly Hills mansion-based Scottish-born actress and 2012 law school graduate who literally grew up in a castle. She is currently most famous for being engaged to Donald Trump's twice-married 53 year-old finance chairman pick, former Goldman Nutsack exec Steve Munchkin Donut Holes.

Lately, Louise has been dragged from here to "Darkest Africa" for taking a "gap year" in Zambia at age 18 and self-publishing a punishingly trite and offensive colonialist memoir

One that she breathily titled "In Congo's Shadow: One Girl's Perilous Journey to the Heart of Africa" and touts as a "compelling coming-of-age tale of lost innocence and one daring young girl's bittersweet journey into the heart of Africa." She also claims she almost got muuuuuurderrrred by Congolese rebels in Zambia, when in fact that shit never happened and is some straight-up raw fuckery.

So. 

That brings me back to my main point: What do you get the self-described "skinny white girl" who has everything, and yet still needs to invent a story about almost dying in Africa, for some reason? 

Here are 10 great gift ideas:

1. .000000000000000000000001% of a clue and lessons in tone with an audiologist.
2. A DVD of Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts.
3. A halo for her self-described "long angel-hair."
4. A copy of literally any book at all about Africa written by an actual African person.
5. A dozen Munchkin (TM) donut holes from Dunkin' Donuts.
6. The box set for Game of Thrones, to remind her of her childhood in a castle.
7. White Savior Barbie with AIDS orphan accessory.
8. Mel Gibson memorabilia from Braveheart.
9. A tank-top that says "Haters Gonna Hate."
10. A year in psychoanalysis to explore the topic of why--when you literally have everything--including blue-blood, buh-liiinding Aryan whiteness and a bazzzzzzilllllllion dollah billz, do you need to make up a story about almost dying in Africa?

BONUS GIFT: $.027, which is the number of pennies her boyf used to justify foreclosing on a 90 year-old woman's house.

Happy shopping!

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