Saturday, November 12, 2016

Looks Like It's Fuck This Shit O'Clock! 10 Things I Plan to Do Now that an Extra from Home Alone 2 (Not Even the Original Home Alone!) Runs the World

Look people. I can't bitch about the election forever. It's unhealthy and everyone will get sick of me. On the other hand, I can't sit idly by while an autocrat who plans to get high off his own narcissism supply by continuing to hold white hate rallies throughout his presidency runs the table. 

So what CAN I do? Here are 10 things I plan to do now that an extra from Home Alone 2 is in charge of the free world:

1. Watch Home Alone. Then Watch Home Alone 2---specifically that scene in the Plaza where Macauley Culkin meets Donald Trump in the lobby and asks him for directions. Man, those were the days.

2. Take pleasure in the small things. Like turning my kids' silly putty into a dick and balls and perfectly estimating the tupperware needed to contain leftover lasagna.

3. Attempt--ATTEMPT--to minimize my outrage and honor pleas from my husband to stop reading the internet by focusing on more important things. Like sharing stuff I read on the internet.

4. Go to Costco on a Sunday morning and raid the cheese-filled soft pretzel samples while breathing deeply and saying out loud, "AHHHH! GOD BLESS AMERICA!"

5. Spend quality time with my kids, which happens to include a lot of screaming at them. Like, a lot. (Oh wait, I did that before). 

6. Try to stop yelling, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST?! SERIOUSLY?!?!" and "OMG, SERIOUSLY SUCK MY DICK!!!!" into the abyss spontaneously.

7. Bone up on some actual reality TV, rather than watching it play out in real life. I hear last season of the Bachelor was awesome, and no one from the cast has even run for office yet!

8. Finally visit an ophthalmologist to address my chronic side-eye.

9. Research how to build an avatar that will get up for me in the middle of the night to pee and also put in 30 minutes a day on a treadmill so I don't have to actually do either of those things.

10. Continue to contemplate what brought us to this place and my own role in it. Call out bigotry, hate, and wrongness when I see it. Show my kids how to do the same. Volunteer. Take pride in my work and keep doing a good job for my clients. Remain willing to listen, but NOT at the expense of online/in-person abuse, a lack of reciprocal empathy, or toxic relationships. Write about all of it. Try to make people laugh. Do what I can--every day--to be kind, open, empathic to all, and a vigilant steward of our precious and fragile social compact.





2 comments:

  1. "Attempt--ATTEMPT--to minimize my outrage and honor pleas from my husband to stop reading the internet by focusing on more important things."

    I'm not sure who is more lucky, your husband or you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Libby,

    I just ordered a Looks Like It's Fuck This Shit O'Clock coffee mug. They should give you a commission.

    Mark

    ReplyDelete