We ladies are always in search of that quick and easy beauty trick: that one little tweak to our routine that's guaranteed to really make us look our best and take our hotness game up a notch. Welp, I've found that one thing, and you're in luck, because I'm revealing it exclusively to my loyal readers!
It's cheaper (for you) than Botox, easier than exercise or dieting, and will instantly transform your regular old homely boring-ass self into a stunning supermodel! I know what you're thinking: WHAT IS IT ALREADY?! Wait for it . . .
Marry or date someone on the 2016 Chicago Cubs and change your name from Sally or Elizabeth or whatever boring-ass name your parents gave you to a way hotter hot-girl name!
I know, I know. That's technically two tricks, but both of them are supes easy. Here are five testimonials from women who have tried it and know. Again, these are just five of the 25 fierce AF looks you can instantly achieve if you simply marry or date a professional World Series-winning baseball player and change your name to a much sexier and less boring name than the one you have now.
1. Julianna: If you marry Cubs infielder Ben Zobrist and change your name to Julianna, you'll instantly wear a size 2 and a sport a megawatt smile. "Before I married Ben, I was just a plain Jane named Julie. But getting hitched to a major league ball player and changing my name to Julianna really took my beauty game to the next level!"
2. Chelsea: If things don't work out between you and Ben, try dating Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Your hair will turn into spun gold, your chest will be a perfect 32C, and your name will be Chelsea. "Dating Anthony was absolutely the best thing I could have done for my hair and body," says Chelsea (f.k.a. Sally).
3. Jessica: If things with Anthony get rocky, there's always third baseman and outfielder Kris Bryant. Get engaged to him, call yourself Jessica, and autograph a head shot for good measure. "My bone structure has never been better!," gushes Jessica, previously known to her family as Doris.
4. Gina: If you like star pitchers and want the most bangin' bikini bod on the beach, try marrying Cubs pitcher Justin Grimm! Also go by Gina (a classic vintage hot-girl name made famous by Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer). "These abs came a lot easier than you might think," said Gina. "All I had to do was marry Justin, stop calling myself Louise, and BAM! I had washboard abs and instantly looked 20 years younger."
5. Irmarie: Or get with infielder Javier Baez, ask everyone to call you Irmarie, and suddenly your lash game will be on fleek and you'll look just like a smokin' hot ski bunny. "Before I met Javier, my parents called me Irma and my lips weren't nearly this plump and luscious," says the baseball-loving beauty. "Also, I got this cool hat."