Tuesday, November 22, 2016

I Want a Very Specific Study to Justify Every Single One of My Bad Habits

You know the kind. 

The alleged "studies" that say shit like people who sleep until noon, yell "fucking cocksucker motherfucking asshole" at the top of their lungs 80 times a day, drink a bottle of wine every night, and leave peanut shells and used tissues all over their bedroom floor are "smarter" and "more creative."

I for one am a big fan of science (pseudo or otherwise) when it's deployed to validate all of my bad habits. But I'm personally waiting for the perfect study before doing my part to contribute to the propagation of self-affirming bullshit pseudoscience on the internet.

Specifically, I wants studies that say this: 

1. Rolling Your Eyes All the Way Into the Back of Your Head at Literally Almost Everything Associated with High IQ, Study Shows.

2. Science Finds Drinking Diet Soda With Every Meal Leads to Longer Life.

3. Exercise Fucking Useless After All, Studies Find.

4. People Who Delete Emails About Office Parties and Leave Slips Without Reading Them More Likely to Succeed at Work, Studies Show.

5. Obsessive and Aggressive Adult Coloring Amid Crippling, Baseless Depression Associated With Creative Genius.

6. Eating Off Used Plates, Spoons, and Cups Leads to Better Immunity, Research Demonstrates.

7. Drugs and Alcohol Found to be Faster, More Efficient, and Less Annoying than Meditation and Yoga for Improving Mood, According to New Pair of Studies.

8. People Who Belch Loudly, Bite Their Nails, and Spit Them on the Dashboard of Their Car While Driving More Likely to Have Empathy for Others, Researchers Discover.

9. Substituting Caffeine and Other Stimulants for Sleep Leads to Greater Output of Creative Work Product, It Turns Out.

10. People Who Scroll Through Social Media While Sitting on the Toilet More Likely to Have Better Marriages and Long Lasting Friendships, Study Shows.

11. Parents Who Resort to Empty Threats and Yelling as Primary Modes of Discipline More Likely to Raise Nobel Laureates.

12. Magical Thinking is Real!: Study Shows That People Who Indulge in Catastrophic Fantasies Can Successfully Stop Those Things from Actually Happening Through Magical Thinking, Mantras, and Rituals.




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