Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I Feel Like Steve Bannon Would Be More Chill if Someone Took One for the Team and Just Tapped That Ass

I hope no one is offended by the title or premise of this post. Just kidding! I don't give a shit about that.

But I'm seriously wondering: Do you think maybe Steve Bannon would be less of a pestilent, festering, rheumy-eyed boil on the scrotum of humanity if one of us would just take one for the team and tap that ass?

I don't know if the man is straight, bi, or gay (and if so, whether he's a bottom or a top), so I'm just throwing this suggestion out there to basically anyone with genitals. 

I have a close friend who, when she encounters a particularly high-strung person, always says they "could use a cheeseburger and an orgasm." Clearly, the dopamine and serotonin that flows from a big ol' bone sesh and a phatty hand-packed bacon cheddar cheese burger with caramelized onions all over it would take ANY neo-fascist Nazi white supremacist down a few rungs on the burning white cross to some low-key chill, dontcha think?

Well I do. I think it's time that someone pay the ultimate sacrifice for our country: Keep Steve Bannon from using the White House to carry out his nefarious Swastika-stamped agenda by FUCKING THE HATE RIGHT OUT OF HIM!

This is GENIUS, so hear me out.

The rage that flows through the veins of men like Steve Bannon invariably boils down to a fuck-complex of some kind. Either women refuse to fuck them, they fuck women without their consent, they want to fuck men but hate themselves for it, they're fucking men on the DL and are scared of getting caught, they want to fuck kids or animals or some other deviant criminal shit, they got fucked over by their mother, wife, sister, or girlfriend, or they are involuntarily celibate.

Any of these things gets fixed, and I promise you Steve Bannon is one quadrillion percent more chill, and will stop doing shit like equating feminism with cancer, calling people faggots, and telling women to log off the internet forever.

That's why I'm just putting this out there to see what I can do for the world right now. Everyone's all like, "don't normalize," "take action," "speak out." Well, my way of taking action is by proposing that someone, somewhere, go to D.C., seduce Steve Bannon, fuck his brains out, and take him to Shake Shack afterwards.

Who me? Um, no. I'm not volunteering. I'm just saying someone should do this. 

For humanity.

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