Thursday, November 3, 2016

Fucking Singing Birthday Cards, Man

Sometime in the last five years of my almost decade-long parenthood, I began to notice an item rivaled in its wasteful annoyance only by the Keurig one-cup coffee maker. 

I'm talking about the singing birthday card. The fucking singing birthday card, man. 

My kids love singing birthday cards, and their grandparents love singing birthday cards, because my kids love singing birthday cards. All of which adds up to one thing: At least two and sometimes up to four singing birthday cards a year. Plus, as a bonus, a week-long death spiral of my sanity and our domestic stability as I scream at my kids to QUIT OPENING AND CLOSING THAT FUCKING SINGING BIRTHDAY CARD.

No one likes fighting with their kids. At least I don't. Fighting sucks with anyone, but it especially sucks with your kids. So usually in the middle of denying the thousandth request for gumballs and Bandaids and literally everything their eyeballs touch in the grocery store, it hits me: I brought all of this on myself. I literally MADE two people who now try to challenge me on EVERYTHING. How does that even make sense?!

All of this to say, a chimpanzee wearing a viking helmet who is singing "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" in a high falsetto and a hamster dressed as a ninja holding nunchucks and squeaking "Everybody was Kung-Fu fiiiiighhhting!" over and over and over and over doesn't exactly neutralize the tension.

After a week or two, the cards have done their job: open and close a million times, delighting my children and making me bleed from my ears. Until at last, the card and its tiny, singing electronic epicenter break down and take their rightful place in the Pacific Ocean gyre or giant municipal landfill.

Someday, a future civilization of intelligent beings will study the fossil record on earth and conclude that the singing birthday card was the downfall of humanity.

Fucking singing birthday cards, man.




1 comment:

  1. Free Pro Tip: in the trash upon arrival unless you suspect cash contained within. Further and unfortunately, this only works at best twice and better spread over several years only if you can get away with blaming the PO or local miscreants. The bummer is if the cash in the form of a check, well then....

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