Sunday, November 20, 2016

David Attenborough Should be Listed as a Schedule II Controlled Substance

Sure he's an award-winning British naturalist, broadcaster, and knight. But did you know he should also be listed as a schedule II controlled substance by the United States Food & Drug Adminstration in conjunction with the federal Drug Enforcement Agency? 

Well he should.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson and his cosmic dust have NOTHING on the mellifluous, dulcet English lilt of David Attenborough talking to you about plants. 

Have you ever had general anesthesia? And they're rolling you into the O.R., and you hear them say "you should be getting sleepy soon," and the next thing you know you wake up five hours later feeling like you had a close encounter with a chipper shredder?

Well that's what it's like watching and listening to 90 year-old David Attenborough narrate the "plants" episode of BBC's "Life" after 8:00 p.m. and while lying prone on a couch.

One minute he's like, "the delicate tendrils of the poppy plahnt reach skyward toward the canopy . . . " and all of a sudden you're waking up in a puddle of drool with credits rolling and no idea where you even are.

For real. 

David Attenborough is a potent anaesthetic and belongs on the FDA list of prohibited controlled substances, to be administered only under close medical supervision.

1 comment:

  1. Oh thank gawd, you are back on your game.

    I hardly ever do this but I have a read for you that might help with the epizooties you are experiencing over the election:

    A Primate's Memoir, by Robert Sapolsky. It's about baboons and other things.

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