Tuesday, October 25, 2016

This Grandmother Suing KFC for $20 Million Over a Half-Empty Bucket of Fried Chicken is EVERYTHING About the American Justice System

Loving v. Virginia. Brown v. Board of Education. Roe v. Wade. Marbury v. Madison. All of this landmark legal precedent is destined to recede into the dusty, irrelevant archives of the Supreme Court's moldy basement once the bench takes up Wurtzburger v. Kentucky (Fried Chicken).

This tender, moist, crispy, piping-hot nugget of legal news has winged its way over from Hopewell Junction, NY, where 64 year-old grandma Anna Wurtzburger is sticking it to The Man Colonel Sanders on a wishbone and a prayer after she allegedly fell prey to false advertising perpetrated by the jolly, iconic mustachioed purveyor of fast fried fowl.

As reported by the illustrious New York Post, Wurtzburger's litigious game of chicken with the popular poultry giant began when she bought a $20 bucket of greasy dead bird parts from KFC that was only half-full. According to Wurtzburger:
I came home and said, ‘Where’s the chicken?’ I thought I was going to have a couple of meals. They say it feeds the whole family . . . They’re showing a bucket that’s overflowing with chicken. You get half a bucket! That’s false advertising, and it doesn’t feed the whole family. They’re small pieces!
Wurtzburger promptly phoned KFC headquarters in Georgia to complain about this "B.S.," but she was not buying KFC's chicken-shit defense that the "food" in its ads is "portrayed prominently so that the public can see the chicken." 

No sir.

Instead, she did what any reasonable, red-blooded American would do:  Hire a lawyer and sue for $19,999,980.00 more than she spent on the product she's complaining about.

It's the principle, not the money, because Wurtzburger rejected two gift certificates KFC sent to buy her off. NICE TRY, KFC. Not this woman! Anna Wurtzburger is not about that life and her squawks for justice will NOT be silenced with Colonel Sanders' finger lickin' good hush money!

Forget about religious freedom, eminent domain, and search and seizure. When the Founding Fathers created the judicial branch and drafted the Seventh Amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing the right to a jury trial in certain civil cases, they had exactly this sort of juicy, flaky legal remedy in mind. It is cruel and unusual punishment to pay for a full bucket of chicken and only get half a bucket.  

ANY LEGAL SCHOLAR WORTH HIS MSG-BASED SEASONING KNOWS THIS!

KFC called Wurtzburger's pursuit of her God-given right to carcinogenic, hormone-fortified, artery-clogging animal fat and the extra set of boobs it will inevitably generate in every prepubescent human who consumes it "meritless." 

Well. We'll see about THAT, won't we COLONEL SANDERS?!

I think there's something in my eye. Then again, it could just be a whiff of the Colonel's deliciously pungent "Sweet N' Tangy" dippin' sauce. In any case, some days, I couldn't be prouder to be a practicing lawyer. 

Today is one of those days.

Image result for kfc image


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