Sunday, October 16, 2016

Luke Perry from 90210 is on the Cover of AARP Magazine and Here are 10 Things You Should Do in Response

Luke Perry you guys. Remember Luke Perry? Also known as Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills 90210? Luke Perry played a hot guy named Dylan before people named their kids hot guy names like Dylan. Look at every mom with a son named Dylan, and I guarantee the mom is 35-45 and was once in love with Dylan McKay. 

Both Dylan and Luke were on my short list for names, but I was vetoed because 90210. Then I said, "Fine. How about 'McKay'?" And Geoff said "No, we're dorky Jews, not tortured Irish novelists."

So Isaac it was.

Well now the Circle of Life is complete, because Dylan McKay is on the cover of fucking AARP magazine, the American Association of Retired Persons! WTF?! 

I guess this means Dylan McKay will never do a "90210: Life in a Malibu Nursing Home" reboot, because he's officially "retired" from acting. (What, you didn't notice)?

It also means that if you're reading this, you grew up watching 90210 and you're laughing. Well you can stop laughing, because you're old AF. In fact, stop everything and do all of this right now:

1. Schedule a colonoscopy.

2. Buy long term life insurance so that your son Dylan won't have to spend his life savings caring for you in dementia.

3. Direct Message Luke Perry on Twitter and finally organize that threesome you were always destined to have with him and Jason Priestley. Bring Cialis! (Side bar: my kids were watching a Cialis commercial during MLB playoffs and kept screaming "EWWW!" every time the two senior citizen actors started cozying up to each other).

4. In same Twitter DM thread, ask Luke Perry how he feels about his increasingly giant forehead and big old man ears.

5. Say "Siri, find me the closest early bird dinner buffet." Scream it a few times so you know she heard you.

6. Stock up on Ensure and Depends.

7. Ask a millennial how to do something (anything).

8. Stop smoking weed. You're not 16 anymore. Just kidding, YOLO, bitches! Plus now it's legal and you can finally afford the good shit.

9. Go to a Guns N' Roses reunion tour concert. Bring the good shit.

10. Scan your entire body for weird hairs, moles, and other unwelcome physical developments that portend death at worst and hideousness until death at best.

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