Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Is There Any Possible Way Theo Epstein is Not a Dick?

I'm asking that question seriously, sort of as a thought experiment. Hear me out.

Like, I don't know Theo Epstein from Adam, as they say, so who am I to judge? Yet Theo Epstein reminds me of many, many secular-Jewish, Drakar-Noir-drenched Adams (and Seths and Scotts and Joshes and Ians and Daves and Mikes) whom I tried unsuccessfully to woo at sleepaway camp at various points in time. One thing I've learned the hard way about the Theo Epsteins of the world: They'll shove a tongue down your throat and stick a hand up your shirt, but they don't usually fall for semi-unconventional looking (and acting) loud-mouths.

So that's my disclaimer in exploration of this question. Based on my own experience, I confess I'm a little bitter and thus biased in favor of "no" being the answer, but I'm open to changing my mind upon careful analysis.


Let's look at the evidence: 


Exhibit A: Youngest GM in history of Major League Baseball
Exhibit B: Team in Exhibit A was the Red Sox
Exhibit C: Guided two ancient cursed MLB teams to unprecedented records
Exhibit D: Born in NYC, raised in Brookline, MA
Exhibit E: Went to Yale
Exhibit F: Got a law degree
Exhibit G: Engages in charitable giving
Exhibit H: Has super hot blonde wife (I just Googled) and two sons
Exhibit I: Extremely good looking

The man is clearly incredibly accomplished and successful, even generous it seems. He's like the grownup version of "biggest catch at summer camp." But that's not my question--whether he's smart or successful or philanthropic. My question is, is there any possible way he's NOT a dick?

Because I do think you can be all of the above things and STILL be a complete and total dick. And there is no doubt that for all their virtues, the Ivy League, professional sports, and law school are cradles (banana hammocks if you will) of dickery. They're sort of like the in utero, undescended testicles of dickhood. I know this from having personally been inside of the first and the third cradles of dickery for the better part of a decade. 

I also know that nothing is ever really as it seems.

And maybe I'm just a sad, salty old hater, trolling for petty shit to hate on because I'm not satisfied with myself, and I resent the fact that I never got a Bridget Jones moment with one of these dicks. 100% GRANTED. You'll get no argument at all from me on that point. Again though, that does NOT change the fascinating nature of this inquiry.

So tonight I put to you this question, almost in a Neil DeGrasse Tyson "Is this cosmically possible?" sort of a way: Is there any possible way Theo Epstein is not a dick?


1 comment:

  1. A total dick, you can't have anything to do with the red sox or the cubs and not be a dick. i can tell by looking at him, i have a good dickdar.

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