Wednesday, October 5, 2016

I'm Supes Sad that the Dude Who Ran on an "I Love Big Tits and I Cannot Lie" Platform Lost His Race for Juneau Assembly

Yesterday's municipal election in Juneau proved something of a disappointment for me, as our fair city failed to seat William Quayle, Jr. (presumably no relation to Dan Quayle) who ran on a unique Sir-Mix-a-Lot/George Washington-inspired "I love big tits and I cannot lie/I love my pedicab business" platform.

Local readers will recall last week's remarkable story broken by Lakeidra Chavis at KTOO titled "Assembly Candidate's Twitter Account Has Years of Tweets About Breast Fixation" in which Mr. Quayle reportedly "tweeted more than 400 times about a fixation with women with very large breasts" and also "promoted his pedicab business." 

When confronted about his unusual policy positions, Quayle double-D'd down in defense of his titty-tweets with this syntactically peculiar statement:
I do not wish to discuss about my fetishes. I am a heterosexual male and that is that. I do have original ideas that my competition does not have. All they want to do is tax and cut budget.
Well now. Some might think titties and pedicabs make strange bedfellows, but not I! After all, I am someone who both has very big tits AND is very lazy. Therefore I would love someone to pedal me AND my big titties around all over town. 

Speaking of big titties: I must make a HUGE side-bar boob plug here for Bustin' Out Boutique on the second floor of the Senate Mall. I went there yesterday for the first time, and even though they told me I'm a 32 (WT)FF (?!) (you hear that Mr. Quayle??), I spent a 100% justifiable small fortune on three brand new bras and had what was boobs-down the best (free!) professional fitting for bras I've ever had. I learned how to "scoop" and "swoop" my boobs into a bra. I learned there is something called "the breast root" and how to avoid "quad boob," "nip slips," and other pitfalls of the well-endowed. 

It was amaze-boobs.

But back to Mr. Quayle's campaign, I have to say I'm sad he lost. He had the lazy AF, 32-FF demographic on lock, but I guess that wasn't a robust(y) enough slice of the electorate to usher him into office. Like so much quad boob pouring out of the top of a molded underwire FF cup, Mr. Quayle will have to scoop and swoop his big dreams of public office into a different garment on another day.

Best of luck to you, fine sir. Best of luck.

UPDATE/DISCLAIMER: A friend and frequent reader suggested that perhaps this gentleman is living with some mental health issues, and now that he is no longer a candidate subject to public scrutiny, should perhaps be left alone. Fair enough. No judgment, and to each his/her own! I mainly wanted a vehicle to plug Bustin' Out Boutique, and this proved as irresistible as a squishy soft pair of tatas for that purpose. I would also take this opportunity to point out that in addition to a rack for days, I too am obviously living with some mental health issues. If I weren't, I could never write this blog.

William Quayle poses for a photo outside KTOO, Sept. 2, 2016. Quayle is a candidate for Juneau Assembly. (Photo by Jeremy Hsieh/KTOO)

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