Wednesday, October 26, 2016

At the Risk of Sounding Vulgar, "Bros Are Making Themselves Sick Eating Pussy" is Not a Headline I Ever Thought I Would Read Anywhere, Much Less in the Washington Post

And yet, that is a 100% accurate paraphrasing of this article, which reports on a health study finding a "startling" rise in oral cancer among American men, and illustrating both "the cascading effect of human papillomavirus (HPV) in the United States and our changing sexual practices." 

By "our changing sexual practices," the reporter means that Baby Boomers are more likely to develop tongue and throat cancer from chewing tobacco and smoking Camels, but millennials are more likely to end up on chemo from smoking camel toe and chowing box like it was their job. (Which, arguably, it is).

Specifically, the study found that "although fewer teenagers and young adults are having sex than in previous years, more are engaging in oral sex than vaginal intercourse under the assumption that it's safer."

I've got some mixed feels on this. 

First of all, I take this study as a positive sign that contrary to popular belief and their bad rap (made worse in recent months by the Orange Menace), American men are the WOKEST BAES ON PLANET EARTH, since obviously only dudes who are woke AF go spelunking for their dinner every night.

Second, I think it was always the assumption that oral sex was safer. It's just that old-school, curved-brim baseball hat bros are all about gently-but-firmly pushing a woman's head down with one hand while holding a red Solo cup of Natty Ice in the other as Dave Matthews plays on a CD in the background. 

By contrast, modern-day, Snap-Chatting feminist poon-hounds listen to Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire on their iPhones and like to return the favor--or simply forget to ask for the favor in the first place--because IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, QUEEN! 

YAAASSSS! SUH-LAAAY BITCH!

Anyhoo, the collateral conclusion of this study is clear: Bros who are not down for a trip to Taco Town in 2016 will find themselves burnt and alone every Saturday night with a web cam and a half-empty bottle of Jergens.  

Or, in three simple words: DELETE YOUR MOUTH.

However, I'm concerned, because fear of one's tongue turning green, shriveling up, and falling off threatens to wind back the clock of major social progress in this, um, area, and that's the last thing women need. FORTCH, science has women's backs crotches, because there's a vaccine! So if bros are smart and get it, they can subsist on a steady diet of chanch to their heart's content! 

Yay!

Once vaccinated, I think the approach should be similar to any other menu that has warnings like "consuming raw or under-cooked eggs and shellfish can increase the risk of foodborne illnesses," etc. 

You read that sentence every time you go to the latest hipster pop-up bistro in Brooklyn or the Mission District to Instagram your brunch, and yet you still order up a sushi roll with a raw quail egg on top. So bros, don't hesitate to wax your beard with some lady beef carpaccio as an appetizer either.

Bon Appetit!



Image result for vaccine hpv image

3 comments:

  1. Every once and awhile I understand what the fuck you are talking about. Then you go off on a series of secret-word-nuttiness pieces that leaves me wondering why I spent my good time trying to read let alone comprehend.

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  2. Your probably not the target audience bruh!

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  3. You are probably not the target audience bruh!

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