Saturday, September 17, 2016

Six Ways to Take Control in the Bedroom

Hey Girlfriend! We ladies are sometimes relegated to sous-chef in the sack, amirite?! Well, don't worry! O.H.M. is here with six fresh, hot new ways to help YOU take back control in the bedroom!

1. Grab the Remote: Taking control in the bedroom is all about communication. Tell your man what you want. Like, if he wants to watch the Jets game and it's a do-or-die Real Housewives of New York marathon, yank that remote out of his hand and change the goddamned channel.

2. Try Some Role Play!: Dress up like Idi Amin or Kim Jong-Il and make your man the dissident subject who won't comply with state propaganda rules. There's nothing sexier than draconian authoritarianism!


3. Crank Up the Thermostat and Close All the Windows:
You'll be in TOTAL control if you dial the heat up to 80 and seal off every source of fresh air in the room. Who's the boss now, bitch!


4. Turn the Bedroom Into a Crime Scene:
Set up a perimeter and refuse to allow your man inside the room until he puts on a Tyvek suit, face mask, and latex gloves. Secure the room with yellow crime scene tape. Then scream at him to "GET OUT OF YOUR CRIME SCENE!"

5. Get in the Driver's Seat!:
Get behind the wheel of your car, and just keep driving and driving, as far away from him as you can possibly get. And when he calls? Straight to voicemail, sister!

6. Three Little Words: Power. Of. Attorney. This will drive your man wild!


1 comment:

  1. My gawd, the poor man in the illustration appears more terrified than the kid grabbed by the jack-o-lantern in the piece below the fold. My mind's eye filled in how his eyeballs surely look; either vice-gripped shut or like the girl, pleading rescue. I'm guessing his 'remote' is on the fritz, too.

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