Monday, September 5, 2016

Rice Roller: The New Rice Cake

Remember last week when I said Spanx are the new "your grandma's control top pantyhose?" Well, newsflash: Costco has your mother-in-law's 80's Quaker Rice Cake. It's marketed in the form of something that looks vaguely East Asian, and is sold in green-washed packaging that boasts the gluten-free and vegan attributes of its contents.

I just totally love how this "rice roller" is fronting like it's not just a booty-ass rice cake on which your great grandma would smear cottage cheese and eat before she stuck in her dentures for the day. 

I'll tell you something though: my kids fucking love rice rollers. And they love them without even knowing that the name "rice roll" is perilously close to Rick Astley's famous "Rick roll," such that every time Paige or Isaac asks for a rice roller, my head explodes with "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND HURT YOU! NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND DESERT YOU!"

Don't give up the rice roller, just because it tastes like a column of Styrofoam packing peanuts brushed with a light glaze of simple syrup. It won't let you down, not with the way its 45 calories of nutrient-void puffed rice give your children one more opportunity to spray hard, sticky, snack-shrapnel throughout the home you just spent all morning sweeping and mopping; and screaming at them to sweep, mop, and clean their rooms along with you. So you'd think they wouldn't want to ruin their own handiwork with a rice roller, but you would be wrong.

In truth, a rice roller WILL run around, hurt you, and make you cry. Its sharp detritus will be absolutely everywhere, while its brethren rollers get stale in your pantry, awaiting their turn to re-shittify your shit hole of a kitchen. You'll want to desert that rice roller and tell it goodbye for sure. No doubt about it.

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