Saturday, September 24, 2016

Jockey Briefs: The Workhorse of Underwear

Don't let anyone tell you sensible isn't sexy, because it is! This blog post could be an infomercial for Jockey cotton bikini brief underwear, but it's not. It's simply an admission that I am turning 39 in a matter of weeks, and am officially past the point of wearing lace dental floss between my ass cheeks and pretending to be okay with that. Visible Panty Line ("VPL") be damned!

Underwear is like a car in that way. When you're 16, you care about driving or riding in a convertible or a Jeep or whatever. But by the time you're creeping up on 40 it's like, gimme the minivan or a Volvo station wagon. And Jockeys are the minivan of underwear.

My mom wears these, and so do I. Sure, my mom is 71 and is two sizes smaller than me (BITCH!!), but the woman is an M.D. and she is not fucking around with comfort. Yes she is a grandma, and really Jockey underwear are therefore granny panties, but I'm not a grandma, and still I love these.

They're not hot, they're not sexy, they're not getting you laid or acting as the repository for dollah billz, and they almost look weird WITHOUT half a bush coming out both sides of the leg elastic.

But you're old AF, and you don't want to get laid by a man most days anyway. At most, you want to get laid by your vibrator and catch a few reruns of Friends. And you're making most of your bills in direct deposit, as opposed to having them directly deposited into your crotch on a stripper pole.

Jockey bikini briefs: the workhorse of underwear that tells the world--and ESPECIALLY the opposite sex--that you give fewer fucks than you ever have in your life.


3 comments:

  1. I've seen you use the abbreviation 'AF' several times now. What does it mean?

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's freakin' hilarious! And so TRUE. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete